God Bless The Child

My Daughter is finally coming home!!! Yey, only 4 days left. I've missed her soooo much, I haven't even been able to speak about it in my blog. It's been hurting like hell, but it's over soon.

She's properly English now, it's so funny. I'm not joking when I say that she sounds more English than her Dad. (And I'm secretly pleased she's taken after his new girlfriend G, her accent is way better than my Daughter's Dad.)

She's been angry with me lots of times; refused to speak to me, not wanting to look into to the web cam, telling G that she loves her in front of me to hurt me (even though that's backfired completely, since I'm so thrilled to see my Daughter happy with G. It would have broken my heart though if my Daughter hadn't liked G, thinking it was a nightmare staying there).

But I know she's been acting up because she thinks I've abandoned her. But it's been so good for all of them to have her with them in London. It's been good for me too; after being the egotistical Mum who's taken a child away from the father.

I've kind of experienced the pain of not having her with me at all times. I've experienced how her Dad must feel when she doesn't want to speak to him (which used to happen alot, only cos she was hurt by him not being closer). I've experienced the inhumane wait to see her again. The agonising days that go by so slowly - just like watching paint dry, but a hundred times worse.

And now the wait is finally over. My baby is coming home. My baby who is not a baby any longer, but a five-year-old girl that has grown and matured; who's learned another language, who's a very proud big sister and who's gained the mutual respect and love from her Dad's new girlfriend. Important steps.

She's a girl of two loving families - now, how rich is she!?!?!

Woman's Work

The fight against breast cancer is going strong everywhere! Everywhere!!

-Good! Fight fight fight!!! Never give up.

There might be tears. There might be pain. But we will never give up the right to live full and happy lives together with our loved ones.

...a dedication to my friend...love you...

(I know that Weird is spelled Weird..I just "borrowed" that sign from FB and it wasn't spelt properly... anyways... it's the thought that counts, right?)

Hide & Seek

Not only is my sister still fighting breast cancer... Not only do I still think about my friend C's Mum who lost her battle against this evil spawn of Satan last year...

One of my best friends is now starting her own fight against breast cancer...

Cancer is devious. Cancer is horrid and petrifying and mortal.

My Mum died of cancer when I was only a baby. My cousin nearly lost her life to it after ending up in a coma. I know friends who have lost loved ones to it.

I'm sitting here, in my dark room thinking of my friend E. Her little daughter, less than two years old who might, or might not, grow up with her Mum. (I get an acidic taste in my mouth just thinking the words.) It hurts. There is no other option than life for my friend. There isn't. It would hurt too much losing her, so I won't think the thought. The words will not reach my tongue.

She will live! She is life.

Bring The Pain

Today has been one of the hardest days...

I spoke to my Daughter on Skype and she started crying uncontrollably; wanting me, wanting to go home. Needing me...

I know she's happy with her Dad. I know she loves it there. But my heart was shattered today by the sound of her quiet sobs wishing for her mummy. And this once I wasn't be able to make her wish come true.

And that hurts. So much...

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

They say everything gets better with time. But I'm just hurting more and more. How will I make another 2 months without my Daughter?

She's refusing to speak to me on Skype, which I totally understand. She does exactly the same thing to her Dad when she's here. But it still hurts a little bit when she shouts 'no' down the phone and runs off.

Feel like crying but need to be strong, if I start I might not be able to stop. It's self pity and it won't help. She's happy and that's what's important!

The good news are that my ex's new girlfriend G wrote me a message on Facebook. It made me feel great. I'm glad she did. I mean, it's not like I want us to forge a friendship or anything. I just want us to get along, for everyone's sake.

My ex and I are (finally) on good terms (we had a tiny bit of a falling out two summers ago due to him not treating his girlfriend or me fairly) but that's all in the past. And I wouldn't want her and I to not get along... And what I really like about her is that she's really trying hard to get to know my Daughter. Really hard.

She's bought a Swedish phrase book and is learning Swedish so that they will be able to communicate (which is good since my little daughter is refusing to speak English at the moment... hahah stubborn little mite...)

I like the fact that my Daughter has got an extended family. What I don't like is the fact that her extended family is living so far away and that this takes my Daughter away from me.

(I know... I'm selfish!)

I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her

Daughter

It's only one week and one day left until I'm flying my Daughter to Stockholm for her to go see her Dad. He's meeting us at the airport and is taking her to London where he lives. I'm trying not to think about it. I guess that's why I haven't mentioned it in my blog until now. It hurts too much and if I think about it I'll probably not take her to see him. She's scheduled to stay with him until the end of August.

The end of August... that's a very long time... Too long...

I know I'm being selfish, but I love her way too much to bear the thought of not having her with me all the time... she's my life! I want to cry when I think about it, so I just don't. Even now as I'm writing this it feels like I'm detaching myself from the situation, like I'm not writing about myself, but someone else.

I'm going to bury myself in my work. I've been in contact with the manager of my last job at the airport café and she wants me to come work extra there too, so as soon as I get my rota for my main job I'll call her up to see if she's got anything for me. Anything to stop thinking about missing my baby.

Worst part is that her Birthday is going to be while she's in London. I never thought I'd miss even one of her Birthdays, and that gives me chills down my spine thinking about it.

So, I'm going to do what any normal parent would do and block it out until the day arrives and then cry and whine to my friends about it. Go to work, go home, get drunk silly and flirt with lots of boys. Then cry some more and wish that August would just come already!

Dream

I had this weird dream the other night. And I truly mean...weird. It's so weird I don't even think I should write about it. But I kinda need to get it off my chest.

Hmmm.

I started a new job a few weeks ago. It's with an electrical shop so don't really know much. Anyhoo. I'm working at the till; training to manage the daily reports, banking, that sort of stuff. Since the till is from the turn of the century, not the twentyfirst century, I sort of suck at it (which is really bad for my self esteem since I'm usually quite a great till user....). The shop is still using the DOS-system, which is from the 80's...

So. My manager is going on holiday and the second in command is the one teaching me how to close up at night. The second in command is SCARY. Really scary.

Now. I don't find him attractive. Not at all. But I'm finding him very ,very intimidating. So, guess my surprise when I woke up the other morning having had a...well, kind of wet dream about him (not REALLY wet, just enough to make me freak out). Serioulsy. Freaking. Out.

I got to work and couldn't look him in the eye properly. And I'm not joking when I tell you that that's when he smiled at me for the first time since I started working there. And now he's being such a luvvie towards me it's freaking me out even more.

I need to go to some sort of dream therapy thing, cos if I don't let this one go I won't be able to work with him any more.... I'm still not attracted to him, but every time he stands close to me (too close for my liking) my hands turn clammy and my heart beats faster.... Not good!

Am I starting to get desperate for a boyfriend or something?? I don't even want one... Hmmm...

Weird and freaky and serioulsy making me doubt myself.

Blast From The Past

As if my (really non existent) love life isn't complicated enough; someone from the past has turned up again.

(More inside of my head than outside of it....but anyway....)

It's so annoying. It angers me. I just wish to scream to leave me alone, but I can't. He's mesmerizing, and every time I hear from him I get this uncontrollable urge to tell him how I feel, or felt, or would feel...or something equally stupid...

Why do we let them get to us like this!?! Every time!?!

It's driving me insane. I've dreamt about him several nights in a row now. And I need to get him out. Out of my head. It's hurting me to think of him, and yet I can't stop. Is there anyone out there who can help me? Anyone??

Not even my (I knooooow, I'm getting a bit pre-occupied with imagination...) fantasies of a certain vampire stops me from thinking of him...(Hence all he posts of E.C. on here... apologies handed out to everyone reading this...)

I just wish it would. So I can sleep again....

No Introductions Needed.

Click for:
Best kiss ever...............................

Bad Influence...

A preview of what's to come.

A New Moon trailer...

OMG!!!

Pictures Of You

Here it is...

The official New Moon poster.

(Swoooooon)

My friend Cecilia and I are soooo going to the London premiere of NM. We. So. Are.

Can't wait. I hope it does do the book justice. I mean, how are they going to manage to get Edward in there without it looking a bit tacky?? He's only in Bella's imagination through out the whole book...

Ah well, as long as I'm getting myself some Edward-eye-candy, I don't really care.

(Well, I do. A little bit.)

Still, can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait.

(Like the mature 30-something that I am!)

Stuck In The Middle With You

Do you remember your first love? That love that took your breath away. The love that ran warm chills down your spine just at the thought of him/her. The one that left you broken hearted and doomed to never trust, ever again.

Call me a sick and disturbed romantic, but haven't you ever wished that they would come chasing after you one day?

My first love was Rich. He was English and a few years older than me. I was 22 and utterly and irreversibly in love with him. I never thought our love would end.

As in many other love stories there is, of course a glitch. We were involved in this weird love triangle, where his friend was in love with me too. And Rich didn't want to hurt his friend. We were trying to let him get over his crush on me.

We'd meet after dark, planning our escape to warm countries. With our heads close together, we'd talk for hours on end how we would run away from it all. We even had our own song (what a cliché, right?). Stuck in the middle with you, spinning in my head, night after night with him beside me. The love of my life. Rich. The exiting and funny and romantic English boy who gave me his heart, and took it back in one excruciating beat...

He told me he loved me in a dark, seedy club; loud music ringing in my ears. And I laughed it off because I was scared. I couldn't believe him, I wouldn't believe him... But I do believe him now. We were in love, both of us, with each other. But love consumed us, not just the love for each other, but the love of a friend. The love we both felt for him.

His friend was adorable. And Rich had a girlfriend. But when Rich broke it off with his girlfriend (or rather, she broke it off with him. He'd known for a while that she was seeing someone else...) I'd stopped waiting. I thought he didn't really want me. So when his friend finally plucked up the courage to ask me out, I said yes.

I did love his friend for a while, but I was never truly in love with him. Not like Rich. Who broke my heart. Whose heart I broke.

One night the three of us went to a party, after Rich and I had not been speaking for months on end. My boyfriend, Rich's friend, wanted to go home early, and told me to stay, that Rich could take me home (how trusting his friend was of us). Rich asked me if I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to. Words will never be able to express how badly I wanted to stay with him. But, I couldn't. I wouldn't. I said no. I left the love of my life and left with someone I cared for, but not truly loved. But I couldn't be unfaithful. Because I knew what would have happened had I stayed. My blood was boiling for Rich. For his touch. His kiss. For him.

That was the last time we spoke...

I bumped into Rich two summers ago, when I visited London. He is gorgeous. Beautiful. He still takes my breath away. He still owns my heart. I just wish that he would chase after me. That he would understand that we were meant for each other.

I wish I could still be stuck in that crowded room with him, when he said he loved me. I wish I would have answered him. I wish he'd understood that I was scared. And that if he would tell me that today, I'd answer: I love you too....

Morning Glory

Another day, another story. Another lifetime ago it feels like. When I was young and beautiful and life never seemed to end... That was yesterday, this is today, and life, it seems is over!

Have you ever felt like that? Like there is no life to live any longer?

(I know, it sounds really melodramatic. But that's how I feel today... And I think I'm allowed to wallow in my own misery every once in a while. We all are!)

I miss my home, I miss my bed. I miss my TV (even though it doesn't even belong to me, but to an ex FWB (Friend With Benefit) that currently is in Oz living it up while peeing his territory in my flat by leaving his flat screen TV and his computer), I miss my own kitchen... But most of all, I miss it being quiet...

Espesially while hung over or tired...

So, today (when I am hung over and tired) I wish to be overly dramatic and sad and lonely... just because I can choose to be...

It's All Your Fault

My favourite song and my favourite man, all-in-one....yum yum yum...

(I know, I'm a sad sad person.... But I love it!)

Enjoy... I know I do!! (And it's all his fault.)

Mother Mother

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mums out there!

And not to forget Mother's-to-be and Gramps!!! Feel the love of your loved one's on a day like this.

I will, though we don't celebrate Mother's Day in Sweden today. My Daughter is born abroad where Mother's Day is on this day, so I'm getting two a year. Ha!

(Karma karma karma...)

Cherish today, for tomorrow might not come...

The Show

Finally, tomorrow is the day of the DVD release and it should be in my mailbox.

Yes, I'm talking about Twilight. All added extras. All benefits. All Edward Cullen. I'm having some friends over (well, since I'm homeless it's actually some friends having me over) to drool a little bit over the perfect handsomeness of the swoonable vampire who will always stay a rolemodel for any BF's to come.

(A very hard spot to fill from now on I might add. Very. Hard. Indeed.)

So, hurry up Wednesday night in front of the telly. Please. I beg you. I need to escape reality, if just for a little while. I need the rescue bit right now (I have sooo watched Pride and Prejudice too many nights in a row, it's really getting to me, all the romance and drama... My God!) and I need to pretend I too have a knight in shining armour waiting for me somewhere out there.

(Preferably in the shape of a pale and mesmerising vampire!)

Aaaaaw....

30 Things About Me You Didn't Know...

1.I've had nearly all colours of the rainbow in my hair. To name a few: blueberry, grey, black, fushia, green, lilac, red and orange.

2. When I was younger I wanted to be an actress, firefighter, ballerina, circusartist, singer and a "starchild" like Elizabeth in the TV show "V". And all at the same time... (But now I just want to be kissing Edward, nothing else - Twilighters out there, y'all know what I'm talking about!)

3. I went to Music school because there was "nothing else to do". (But happened to looooove it when I did.)

4. I'm terrified of spiders. Even the teeny tiny red ones that can't barely be seen.

5. I'm not scared of snakes though...

6. I always manage to stay up too late for my own good. Even though I try to get to bed on time. (Never happens though...)

7. I miss London. Alot.

8. I've always always wanted to go to Boston, MA. A childhood dream. Just because of the love of pickled cucumber that in Sweden is called "Bostongurka" (Boston cucumber).

9. My favourite English word is....thingie (not even a real word, but it comes in handy ALL the time, trust me.)

10. I still hate school....

11.With all the money in the world, I'd still go Primark aaaall the way. (Cheap and cheerful!)

12. I haven't seen the movie The Piano.

13. Even today I cry a bit when I hear my favourite song from childhood by Debbie Gibson. "...I get lost in your eyes...." *sniffle sniffle*

14.I bought my first mobile phone at the "tender" age of 23. (And I'm still finding it hard to get them to understand me!!)

15. I know the song "The wheels on the bus" off by heart, all due to my beautiful Daughter.

16. I'm dead scared of heights, but would climb anything to save the ones' I love!!

17. I've shot a Glock 9 once at a security training course, and LOVED IT!!!!!

18. As a little tomboy I made all my Barbie's into punk warriors with tattoos and piercings. We used to keep the Ken-dolls in an old birdcage used as a prison. Girrrl Power!!!!

19. My love for Mr Ol' Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra is eternal. My favourite song by him is "Summerwind". Still gives me chills when I listen to it.

20. I love poker. And I'm quite good at it.

21. I've lived in my flat for 3 years and still haven't managed to put up a proper shower curtain.

22. I'm a sucker for American TV shows. How I met your Mother, Grey's Anatomy, One Tree Hill (swoon), Greek (swooooon), Moonlight and Priviliged - you are my life!!!

23. I love to swim but hate to been seen in revealing bathing clothes, so it's a catch 22 thing.

24.I have this weird "fascination" for serial killers and I used to save any material I could (books, videos, newspaper clippings) to try to dive deep into their minds and to try to figure out what makes them tick. I still feel this urge to know, I guess that's why I've decided to join the police. (And why Criminal Minds and CSI is never missed on TV).

25. I love the smell of homemade wild strawberry squash and homemade cinnamon cake!! That's the smell of childhood and happy summers.

26. I've watched Twilight too many times for my own good.

27. And I've read the Twilight saga one time too many as well.... (I serioulsly think I need to get myself checked into Twilight Rehab...)

28. I secretly fancy Tom Selleck, and have done so since I was 10. (What?? Magnum's brilliant!)

29. When I was younger I used to sleep for 14 hours consistently, unless my Gran woke me up of course.... (If I didn't have my Daughter I'd still do it...)

30. My biggest fear when I was little was the two old men sitting on the balcony in The Muppet Show. My God, the grumpy dude on the right was freaking me out! I wouldn't watch it unless my Gran sat beside me. (What she never knew was that I was scared of the grumpy old man cos he looked like my Grandad...)

Dream Sailor Dream

I had my strange dream again. The one where I'm flying in the dark and still night. Everything is so quiet and serene. But this time I felt an uneasy chill down my spine when I noticed the owl. I felt like his stare was menacing as he closed in on me...

And then, the scenery changed. Suddenly I was in a car in my hometown with Cappie next to me. We were laughting at something he'd said. I wasn't really paying attention to the road (since he's sooooo gorgeous, of course...) and I crashed straight into the side of another car. Not good!

I remember screaming, not because I was scared, or that we were hurt, but because of the fact that I now would have another insurance nightmare to have to think about.

When I woke up I was actually thinking that it had happened and that I owed someone loads of money for a new car. Until I realised that I'd had Cappie by my side the whole time. I mean, wishful thinking or not...I'd rather not have been in a car accident at all, than having been in one together with someone (as perfect) as Cappie!

Or...would I? Hmm, this will take some pondering over.

Tranquilize

I've just got a job as a saleswoman at an electrical gods shop (Congratulations me!!); Tv's, computers, mobile phones, washing machines etc... My God, I had no idea how hard sales people had to work before. I mean, I've worked in shops (clothes, cosmetics) but not on commission, where everything you manage to sell will get you to bring more food to the table. Hmm, am not too sure this job is for me, but with the economy being what it is, I can't be too fussy, so I'm giving it a go.

The people I work for are nice, and so is the staff. Well, except for this one guy who keeps rubbing everyone the wrong way, accusing us for this, that and the other, for absolutely no reason. (Freak!)

(I bet he'll last long. Not!)

Anyhooo.

The guy that I dated for a while, the Cool Guy, knows some of the staff, so we met up. He now wants to take me out to lunch tomorrow. I'm still not too sure about him... I don't know if there's any spark between us whatsoever, except the fact that I think he's a nice guy who probably won't hurt me and treat me like a wash cloth. I just can't feel IT when I see him. He's very intense and lovely, but the cons are building up again. Like; he works late nights, he's travelling with work - ALOT, he travels for fun - ALOT and he seems too into being single really, though he says he wants a relationship. Might the real reason for him coming after me be that all of his friends are in relationships and having babies and he's not? And am I really willing to stay in this godforsaken town forever because he's stuck here because of his work?

Am I willing to have yet another boyfriend who spends almost every night at work, coming home late or not at all ( since working in the trade he's in, just like my Daughters Dad, means late nights and alot of drinks....)? Will I be satisfied staying at home with my Daughter when he goes on holidays abroad with his mates (just like I had to sit through with my Daughters Dad)?

I'm not so sure...

Human

Being homeless suck monkey's bum...

Seriously, it does!

Ah, well. There are worse things, but wanted to let you know, just in case you were wondering...

An Attempt To Tip The Scales

Happy Easter all!

Have you checked that your Easter bunnies and Easter chickens are intact? Started painting eggs and decorating every inch of your home with brightly coloured feathers? - I haven't. I'm a total bitch when it comes to holidays, whether it's Christmas, Easter och freekin' Halloween. I'm just glad that one of my dearest friends saves my Daughter from my anti-Easter-antics every year! They go out Easter egg hunting, getting dressed up as witches, while I sit at home sulking at the fact that it's Easter...again.

It's getting closer now. I have to start packing our shit up. Moving sucks! Even tough we're just moving all our things into an adjoining room in our flat, it still sucks. And the most sucky part is that we have nowhere to live for the next two months, all because of a surprise water fountain in our kitchen. Not fair! I thought I never had to move around like a nomad again (the London years), unless some sweet prince came to save us. *hint hint*

Speaking of... this one date, that hasn't been much of a date, since we've never actually been on a date yet, has finally asked me out. Or rather; he's asked me to come stay at his house for the weekend. (Ohmigod!) He's the guy who's the father of two little girls, so he should be used to treating girls as princesses. *sigh* Finally!

I think he was thinking of coming to see me last weekend to watch a film, but I was so busy with school I couldn't make the time. We live in different towns, so it's a bit of a trek, but not too bad. We'll make a date some day, a real one, not just over the phone or IM...

I'm biding my time. Waiting for some Karma to come my way (I know, to wait doesn't get you anywhere, but I've been so busy lately with everything, that I feel I earn a break in looking for happiness. So, I'm just gonna sit down and take it easy and wait for a change... and re-read New Moon...)

Things That Break...

Why make your heart strong, just to break it once again...

Split Personality

It's not helpful good guys we're after, we're after bad boys who pretend to listen to what we have to say and who'd come with insightful things like; I've never experienced someone using the butter knife to scoop the butter to death ( looking at the blob of butter where I've previously poked a large hole in the center instead of sliding the butter knife on top of the butter as a more graceful and mature way of retrieving butter.) (My own acquired cute quirk.)

The way we can't work a computer might be another thing the bad boy might comment on as another cute quirk, so that he can look big and strong and helpful, while we work at not knowing, just so we can look endearing and helpless and cute... (Not an acquired cute quirk of mine. I just seriously can't deal with computers at all. I'm a true computer spaz, and it's not endearing. And it's not cute.)

Or, he'll say; you sound sooo cute when you sneeze. (Er, what? Uh-uh. I'm not that stupid. Not any more. You should've tried that on when I was under the age of 25...And no one sounds cute when they sneeze. No one.)

Guys say these things to make them look interested in our small little quirks; their way of saying it makes us look endearing (you know like girls tend to be quirky in romantic films and novels and that makes them endearing and lovable to the man of their affection).

(Sorry girls, in reality they couldn't give less of a fuck. They just want you into bed.)

And anyways...We don't want the good guys. The story's old. We don't go out looking for a sensible man (who'd probably only say sensible things and nothing about our cute little quirks that we've worked really hard to achieve cos we want a man telling us we look cute and endearing) but he'd be there for us; a provider. But he's boring and that's not what we're looking for.

We want adventure and excitement. We want to not know where he's going with the relationship or if it is a relationship at all. If we would we would have sufficed with the nice guys in the world. And then all the James Deans and Matthew McConaugheys of this world would never have touched the big screen...ever!

All I'm saying is...We can go on and pretend that bad boys piss us off. But we're gluttons for punishment. We want the bad boys. We want adventure (Edward Cullen *Le Sigh*). We want glamour and that's what good guys wouldn't be able to provide. They provide security and stability...

Yak! Security and stabiblity. Who would ever want that!??!

Greek

Finally. It's been the longest wait. Greek is back. Cappie must be the essence of a guy we'd all love to be around. (Probably thinking we can't stand him though in reality we're deadly attracted to him. (Hmmm. Sounds oddly familiar.) Silly Casey! What ever is she thinking...)

I've missed you Cyprus-Rhodes. Welcome back! Please don't leave us waiting this long again. It's been hell without you...

Izzie

Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you...

Songs To Live & Die By

A friend told me that he thinks that one of the best ways to get to know someone is through their taste in music. So, since I haven't told anyone about me and what I'm about, I'll give you 20 songs that is always heard in my flat (or just my head). So, here goes...

• Muse - Supermassive Black Hole

A must-have song in any girls collection. A love song that rough as shit! Love it to bits, listen to it every single day, at least once or I would not make it through the day!!!

• Jars Of Clay - Closer

Sooooo cute I want to grab it and smooch it and eat it up! Seriously!! In one big bite. Mmmmm yummy!

• MCR- I Don't Love You

I never thought I'd like MCR but this song has my name written all over it. It's my song. It's written for me. I'm sure of it. No no. I am. Really.

• The Wannadies - Oh Yes (It's A Mess) & Friends
  

Swedish group. Love love love them. They're from the North just like me. Oh Yes (It's A Mess) is one of the best post-breakup songs ever written... & Friends...well, the lyrics says it all really... Jealousy at it's best!

• The Killers - Mr Brightside

This song is actually my ring signal on my mobile. I love it! Can't get enough of it. I barely answer my phone any more. (Sorry!!) Killer video as well!

• Kate Nash - Nicest Thing & We Get On

As with The Wannadies it was impossible to choose just one song. I could've chosen all of her lyrical diamonds!

• Arctic Monkeys - Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong But...

As I love Vampires (hint hint Edward Cullen) this song is a given.

• The Beatles - We Can Work It Out

Golden oldie with great lyrics. A breakup song filled with optimism (just listen to the melody...)

• Robert Pattinson - Let Me Sign

Have you heard that boy's voice?!?! Beautiful and haunting.... (& I'm not only talking about his voice...)

• Sia - Soon We'll Be Found

This girl can surely sing, and write songs. And touch my heart in more ways than one. I've always wished I could write like this. Beautiful. True. Nothing left...to say.

• The Cure - Boys Don't Cry

This song reminds me that boys do indeed cry too. (At least when no one else is around.) And FYI; it's Nick's ring signal in Nick & Norahs Infinite Playlist (Great film! Watchable!)

• Kate Bush - This Woman's Work

Knocks me off my feet every time. Her fragile voice that somehow seem able to carry triple its weight. The lyrics are outstanding and makes my eyes fill up every time... It will never seize to amaze me. It will never die. This song is forever...

• Amy Winehouse - Back To Black

"He left no time to regret, kept his dick wet. With his same, old safe bet. Me & my head high & my tears dry. Get on without my guy." - Says it all, really....

• Pink - So What

Whoaw! She amazes me every time she comes out with a new one. Loving the fact that she brings real life into her songs. I hurt with her and realise that I am a Rockstar too!!! Hurt, angry and raw!!!

• The Smiths - Girlfriend In A Coma

A song that reminds me of my life in London and of a friend who's no longer with us. Grant, you twat! I miss you!!!

• Panic! At The Disco - London Beckoned Songs About Money Written By Machines

Another song that reminds me of London and of having fun. A "feel good" song in so many ways.

• Lykke Li - I'm Good I'm Gone

A very cute Swedish singer with a special sound and a voice like an angel. Love her love her!

• Radiohead - Creep

Another oldie that I used to say I wanted to be sung at my funeral (I had this weird thing where I thought I'd die by the age of 27.) Well, 27 has come and gone. I'm still here & so is the song as my sweet number 20.

That's it folks!

Let Me Sign

Something a friend said today reminded me of how fragile life is. How we should take care of it and live it and not just go through it because we have to. It's so easy to forget that our lives are short and that everything can change in just a flash.

It's tragic really, that we don't take care of ourselves and of our loved ones better. How selfish we are. Cos we truly are. Think about it for a second. How often don't we shout at each other? Put each other down? Say things and do things, evil things, just cos we are selfish and hurt and sad.

How often do I tell my Daughter off for the silliest of things? How often do I see the hurt in her eyes and turn away cos I know that I'm the one who caused that hurt? How often do I wish I could take things back? Knowing it's too late....

Rash decisions. Rash thoughts put into words. I wish I would have known my friends' words then. I wish I would have known them sooner. I wish I would have known that without life in your heart you have no life at all.

I wish I would have thought about love and how important love really is. To love unconditionally, to show love when it's difficult, to show love when you really just want to shout and curse and let go.

I wish I would have thought about that yesterday as well....

Remember When...

If I had dreams that I could remember for as long as I live,
I would ask You to remember them with me in the warmth of always...

The Lonesome Road

I feel annoyed. As told previously, I've tried to go on dates with this one guy but we've managed only one. A lunch date to top it off. He called me last night, not too late and asked if he could come over. Of course, I replied, a bit chuffed. Tidied up a little, made sure Daughter was sound asleep, retouched makeup and made sure clothes were appropriate.

He arrived. Drunk. (Of course) (I mean what else is new with him...) I know he's separated from his girlfriend recently (try 6 months ago) and she's now taken their daughter with her and moved to another town (Sounds tough, I know...) but coming over to my place drunk wanting...well, I know what he wanted. (Not that he got it!) That's just plain rude!! I'm not an idiot. I know my worth. If I want to shag a guy, I will, but because I want to. Not because he needs confirmation of some kind. Will. Not. Happen.

Ever.

He's a nice guy, and I do feel for him. I understand he's sad and upset about the whole breakup and losing his daughter. But that's no reason for treating another person as a comforter. (Well, not me anyway.) I'll talk to him soon. I will try to explain that if keeping me as a friend is near enough important to him as keeping his bed warm, he shouldn't put me in such an embarrassing situation ever again. Because if was embarrassing. Not for me, but for him. And I think that was the hardest part to watch... I do hope he doesn't have to go through that again (and to be honest...I hope I won't either!)

Dream

Dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy
There are no other words
(Am reduced to teenageism again)

Jealous Ones Still Envy

There are many things in life I am jealous of. But there is just one thing (or two to put it right) that will make the green eyed monster crawl out from under my skin.

Dimples.

Yea, that's right. You heard me. Dimples. I am jealous of everyone with dimples. They make women look beautiful and men look dead sexy. Dimples are disastrous. They're dangerous to everyone who lives and breathes.

To top it off, they're distracting. Weather it's on a child or adult (but mostly adult of course.) But how can you tell a child with dimples off? A tiny little angel with chubby cheeks and the most blinding set of dimples? And how can you not let that beautiful dimpled woman jump the queue just because...you know, she's got dimples? -I let her. All the time. The saddest part though...I always let guys with dimples off the hook. Every time. No matter what they do, no matter their crime. Just because of the dimples. Like I said, they're distracting. They lead me off the scent. So annoying...

The only thing that brightens up my day is the fact that dimples are a product of a gene that (in layman's terms) shortens the facial muscles. (Sounds funny to me.) (Jealousy talking people.) And that in old age dimples are reduced to a long line on each cheek. Not so attractive anymore. (Still...jealousy talking.)

Dimples. Something manufactured from cells to make us all go insanely mad!

All That You Can't Leave Behind

I started packing today. Or not so much packing than rummaging through my stuff to see what to save and what to throw away. See, for a still unknown couple of months my Daughter and I will have to live in our suitcases due to a burst water pipe in our flat. And the rest of our belongings will have to fit into a room the size of a peanut. All of our stuff! (Except for my sofa which, I'm grateful to say, one of my friends will rest his bum on for the extent of our homelessness...) (Thank you, H!)

The silly things that you can find while packing. Old Christmas cards from ex-boyfriends, make-up since long forgotten, cassette tapes (do they even exist anymore??) with yours truly singing Madonnas "This used to be my playground" (My God the horror...) and two workout DVD's that I'd pretended I'd lost after giving birth (return of the toned tummy *urgh*).

Next thing on my list of "stuff to sort out" is my life as a student. I've been skipping exams and reports that's supposed to be handed in. (Not that it's been all silly lies and stuff, my Daughter has been ill. But I might have faked a teeny tiny bit of a stomach bug to get out of some things that I forgot to study for...Oopsy...) But I'm getting back on track now. (Promise.)

Hereby I solemnly declare that I will not watch any more episodes of How I met your Mother (love love love Barney!!!) until I've got my life back on track...(Starting tomorrow...I just have one more episode to watch...). And I will not get any more take aways until I have enough money in my account to actually afford it (not counting the pizza we had tonight). And last but not least, I promise to get my ass to school (as of next week). And I always always stand by my word (well, most of the time anyways.)

"It's gonna be Legen.Wait for it...Dary!!!"

Post Traumatic Date

The dating scene, I don't really know if it's for me. I've tried it for a while now and...I don't know. I don't know if there are any guys out there who are good enough for me. (Sorry to the guys that I've been on dates with, but it's true...no shame in that though. I'm just picky!)

Date number 1: Not a total dumb ass, but if I have to go on another date where the entire conversation is about cars and different motorparts I will slit my wrists. I mean, come on. When is a girl EVER interested in the fact that some dude found a tiny little thingiemebob that goes into the carborator-thing (or whatever) on his used up VW? -Never is the answer to that!! Ever!

Date number 2: Cool Guy. Brought me to this really slick party with the IT-crowd. Fun! Hilarious! And then another one of my dates showed up unannounced (not the best three hours of my life!). (Ok. Not the Cool Guys' fault per se, but if he can't measure up to the other guy, who's not even half as cool as him really, he might not be my cuppa tea anyway...hmmm)

Date number 3: Well, we've tried going on dates for about...4 months now and all we've managed is one lunch date. One! How is that even possible you think? -Well, I'll tell you. Some really bad planning. But he's kinda fit! So I'm going to give him another chance. Although the only time he seems to get the time lately is around 3 am very early Sunday mornings... (Now why might that be? Hmmm. I stand corrected. He might be fit, but the dumpster is the only thing good enough for him. Next!)

Date number 4: To be honest. We're still in the predate stage. We haven't gotten to that part yet. I think he's had some other girl waiting in the wings for a while, since I've been a bit preoccupied in the arms of others (alot of wishful thinking, which might include a certain vampire) and I haven't really given him too much thought until recently. Single parent like myself. But I do like being put on a piedestal, so sharing him with his kids might just be too much. (I'm a Princess, what can I say....)

Not that it really matters since I always look ahead and think about the inevitable breakup. Cos there is always a breakup. I left the happy ever afters at Nursery together with Cinderella and Snow White... Cynical? - Of course. True?- Not a clue. I just know that if I can't be happy with the same guy for the rest of my life, why even bother?

So what I'm thinking is; Why not wait to get "hitched" until I'm old? (Old as in all wrinkled and squishy.) Why waste my youth on some guy who'll probably dump me for a younger version of me by the time I hit 40?

Another thing with dating is; how does the whole "dating lots of different people at the same time" really work? I mean, I've tried it now and all it does is sending me to an early grave. I asked one of my friends who's been doing it for years, and he told me that it's easy; just don't overexaggerate anything, keep as close to the truth as you possibly can and never ever ever say/shout/whisper any names in bed. That's apparently when it might go horribly wrong. (I'd say....)

Anyhow. I've decided to not look for someone special. I'm just going to have fun. I'm going to enjoy my freedom. I'm going to enjoy feeling wanted and loved without making too much effort. And I will certainly not shout any boys' names in bed!!! (As of yet anyways...)

I Shall Believe

Now, my dear (Swedish) friends,

it's only one month and nine days left until the release of the Twilight DVD (the US has an earlier release). I cannot wait. CAN. NOT. WAIT. Deleted and extended scenes with the lovely Edward Cullen. Ohmigod! Yum is an understatement.

I have, of course, pre-ordered the DVD! And yes, I am that crazy.

I will never give up the dream of having my own Edward tucked up in bed with me. Sadly, he (probably) doesn't exist, so I have to make due with the DVD and the fantasy in said bed. Ah well. A 30-something has got to dream right?

To wish a vampire in bed with you...?
Sane? -No.
Smart? -Er, no.
Sexy? -Hell, yes.

With Arms Outstretched

I've had this one dream several nights in a row. I'm flying in the woods, everything is covered in a dark blue, almost magic light. All the trees and ferns look black but not menacing. I can feel them caressing my face and my arms as I glide by.

All of a sudden I can see a darker shadow in front of me. An owl with a wing span of several metres with huge round yellow eyes staring at me. Just as it's nearly crashing into me it lifts it's wings and flies above me and away, only a short "whooshing" sound as it disappears. My heart is racing, but weirdly enough I'm not scared, just amazed at how silent and quick it was.

This dream continues night after night. Nothing exiting happens, but it's just the serenity of the dream that fascinates me. It calms me down. Even now as I try to focus on it, my inner being is being soothed by the tranquility of the darkened forest, the dark indigo night and the gentle breeze from flying. All in all, a good nights' dream...

Near Wild Heaven

I totally love shopping. No, I'll rephrase that. I totally can't live without shopping!!

It doesn't really matter what it is. Whether food or clothes or shoes or little furry (or not so furry) animals (but mostly clothes). I mean, what's not to like? The adrenalin rush? The plastic, rubbery smell of new? The total satisfaction of bringing something home, in multiple colors, trying it on, sleeping next to it or even just looking at it ( whatever does it for ya.)?

I love shopping soooo much that even being a poor student doesn't stop me. I love shopping so much that even when I know I haven't got money I'll still buy the items (preferably on sale, cos that means that I can buy a bunch of items - same make, different colors). See, what I do is...I buy the items, take them home, try them on...and return them within two days... (as you do.) Now, don't send me to the looney house just yet. I've figured it out (and there must be someone else out there who can feel me on this) that I get total satisfaction from buying the items, but even more satisfaction when I get the money that I really can't afford to spend back into my account again.

I know I might sound crazy to some, but trust me, it feels so much better at the end of the month when there's still money left in the account. A lot better!!! (Weird thing is, I don't even miss what I've bought...)

Well, crazy or not. It's a great tip from one shopaholic to another... Try it, you might like it!

Bridge Over Troubled Water

The water that flooded my flat seem to have flooded my brains as well. But it's getting better now. The water is now merely humidity stuck to the walls of my head. I can see clearer and I don't feel like I'm drowning in angst any longer. (Trying to be deep is, well...not really working...)

But it's true though. I couldn't see clearly just a week ago. I literally felt like I was drowning. Sometimes it's hard to cope with what's in front of you. Total misery sometimes. Like owing your landlord lots of money for something stupid as a flooded flat, not having anywhere to live...due to a flooded flat, leaving your child homeless due to a...flooded flat.

But things are looking up. Finally. The sun is shining outside, and in my heart. I'm so glad I have my friends. They've stuck by me through the years when I've been a total spaz, when I've been crying over some guy, or like now...over a flooded flat. They've wiped my tears, made me a bed, babysat my beautiful Daughter, taken care of my drunken arse, watched sitcoms that I like though it usually makes them want to gag...just because that's what friends are for.

I Love My Friends. They Are My Life.

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

Layer upon layer of thickness brush against my temples.
I shield myself away from your gaze.

A sore aching cry from your throat startles me.
A sense of well being at your pained heart.
A prophesy of my bones breaking yours.

This is not how I imagined Love.
My infatuation has grown stronger and stronger.
It is wrong. I know.

Layer after layer of caresses strikes against my lips.
I open my eyes.

Life Through An Hourglass

Not many things are clear to me today. My future seems uncertain for sure. I never applied to that University I wanted to go to. Not because I didn't want to, not because I was scared. But because it wasn't in me. I didn't feel it. That it was right. Does that even make any sense?

Now. It's not like I'm getting any younger (Hmmm, where's my vampireboyfriend when I need him?) And it's not like the chances are multiplying before my eyes... So what was I thinking?

That's the thing, I wasn't. I just had a bad day.

Another thing. I'm slipping my courses. And not by mistake. It's like I'm deciding to slip up, to fail deadlines and skip sending work in.

It's not too late yet. I still have time. But like with the years as we get older so is the future getting shorter and shorter. But I don't want my Daughter to wake up one day with a Mother who doesn't know who she is. Who doesn't have a future. Because that might mean that she might not have a future to look forward to as well...

I've Got Dreams To Remember

Dreams are better than reality.

Reality always lets you down.

The Wind That Blew My Heart Away

Could the agonizing hurt in my heart have anything to do with you?

-Yes, you know who you are.

You stole my heart and you left.

For certain periods in my life I feel safe from you. You won't hurt me.

But then you come back. Pierce my soul. Blacken my heart. Redden my eyes.

I attempt to free myself of you. To ease the pain.

In vain.

You are inside of me. A twisted corpse. A rotting ache.

And I promise. Tomorrow.

I will rid myself of you again.

Memory

A very very very old friend added me to his FB today. I haven't heard from him in, what, 14 years maybe? I looked for him a few years back but couldn't find him. So I gave up. And now he's back in my life.

We live hundreds and hundreds of miles from each other, we've never met in person, but he's always had a special place in my heart. We used to speak on the phone and I fell in love with his voice. We spoke about flying to see each other, which of course never happened. I was 13 when we first got in contact, through our schools. He was a year older.

I've thought about him once in a while. Maybe less and less through the years. But he's always been there, somewhere in the back of my mind. And now he's here. In proximity. Not in a physical sense, but still...he's back.

The Hero Dies In This One

I've seen Twilight, oh, about umpteen times by now. One of the greatest love stories ever. Ever! I wanna have a vampireboyfriend too, who can run up mountains with me on his back, or up tree tops for that matter (though I'm absolutely terrified of heights). A vampireboyfriend that will save me from idiotguys who doesn't get I'M NOT INTERESTED (not that that happens to me a lot...) I want a vampireboyfriend who thinks of me as his own brand of heroin. Yes! That's what I want!!!

The only downside of having a boyfriend that is a vampire is that all his friends would want to kill me...And so would he for that matter. Hmmmm....Ah well, nevermind.

You win some you lose some, eh?

Lifetime Piling Up

The first day of a new life with all that comes along with it, isn't it just amazing? (I've always just wanted to say that hahaha). No, seriously. Just another day. Just another stupid day containing the same mistakes and the same outcomes as every day. Nothing has changed from yesterday (now, why did I think it would've?) but I still feel content with my life.

Broken teeth, flooded rooms...it doesn't really matter...

It's a bit unnerving, the wait for something better. It feels futile...Am I allowed to call it that, I don't know... So, I'm waiting for something better to come around. But I've always been told I shouldn't wait, I should go out and do. But every time I've tried that, something bad happens. It's my Karma. It's gone. I actually owe the Karma dude lots and lots of Karma, cos I'm thinking evil thoughts, hacking evil plans and doing evil things to and about people I don't like. I think I need to stop doing that. Like, right now. Hrm, I should shouldn't I? Not just sit and wait. Not just think and moan... It's like an epiphany. Just like that. Right now.


I'm just gonna go do some...stuff first.