I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

They say everything gets better with time. But I'm just hurting more and more. How will I make another 2 months without my Daughter?

She's refusing to speak to me on Skype, which I totally understand. She does exactly the same thing to her Dad when she's here. But it still hurts a little bit when she shouts 'no' down the phone and runs off.

Feel like crying but need to be strong, if I start I might not be able to stop. It's self pity and it won't help. She's happy and that's what's important!

The good news are that my ex's new girlfriend G wrote me a message on Facebook. It made me feel great. I'm glad she did. I mean, it's not like I want us to forge a friendship or anything. I just want us to get along, for everyone's sake.

My ex and I are (finally) on good terms (we had a tiny bit of a falling out two summers ago due to him not treating his girlfriend or me fairly) but that's all in the past. And I wouldn't want her and I to not get along... And what I really like about her is that she's really trying hard to get to know my Daughter. Really hard.

She's bought a Swedish phrase book and is learning Swedish so that they will be able to communicate (which is good since my little daughter is refusing to speak English at the moment... hahah stubborn little mite...)

I like the fact that my Daughter has got an extended family. What I don't like is the fact that her extended family is living so far away and that this takes my Daughter away from me.

(I know... I'm selfish!)

I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her

Daughter

It's only one week and one day left until I'm flying my Daughter to Stockholm for her to go see her Dad. He's meeting us at the airport and is taking her to London where he lives. I'm trying not to think about it. I guess that's why I haven't mentioned it in my blog until now. It hurts too much and if I think about it I'll probably not take her to see him. She's scheduled to stay with him until the end of August.

The end of August... that's a very long time... Too long...

I know I'm being selfish, but I love her way too much to bear the thought of not having her with me all the time... she's my life! I want to cry when I think about it, so I just don't. Even now as I'm writing this it feels like I'm detaching myself from the situation, like I'm not writing about myself, but someone else.

I'm going to bury myself in my work. I've been in contact with the manager of my last job at the airport café and she wants me to come work extra there too, so as soon as I get my rota for my main job I'll call her up to see if she's got anything for me. Anything to stop thinking about missing my baby.

Worst part is that her Birthday is going to be while she's in London. I never thought I'd miss even one of her Birthdays, and that gives me chills down my spine thinking about it.

So, I'm going to do what any normal parent would do and block it out until the day arrives and then cry and whine to my friends about it. Go to work, go home, get drunk silly and flirt with lots of boys. Then cry some more and wish that August would just come already!

Dream

I had this weird dream the other night. And I truly mean...weird. It's so weird I don't even think I should write about it. But I kinda need to get it off my chest.

Hmmm.

I started a new job a few weeks ago. It's with an electrical shop so don't really know much. Anyhoo. I'm working at the till; training to manage the daily reports, banking, that sort of stuff. Since the till is from the turn of the century, not the twentyfirst century, I sort of suck at it (which is really bad for my self esteem since I'm usually quite a great till user....). The shop is still using the DOS-system, which is from the 80's...

So. My manager is going on holiday and the second in command is the one teaching me how to close up at night. The second in command is SCARY. Really scary.

Now. I don't find him attractive. Not at all. But I'm finding him very ,very intimidating. So, guess my surprise when I woke up the other morning having had a...well, kind of wet dream about him (not REALLY wet, just enough to make me freak out). Serioulsy. Freaking. Out.

I got to work and couldn't look him in the eye properly. And I'm not joking when I tell you that that's when he smiled at me for the first time since I started working there. And now he's being such a luvvie towards me it's freaking me out even more.

I need to go to some sort of dream therapy thing, cos if I don't let this one go I won't be able to work with him any more.... I'm still not attracted to him, but every time he stands close to me (too close for my liking) my hands turn clammy and my heart beats faster.... Not good!

Am I starting to get desperate for a boyfriend or something?? I don't even want one... Hmmm...

Weird and freaky and serioulsy making me doubt myself.

Blast From The Past

As if my (really non existent) love life isn't complicated enough; someone from the past has turned up again.

(More inside of my head than outside of it....but anyway....)

It's so annoying. It angers me. I just wish to scream to leave me alone, but I can't. He's mesmerizing, and every time I hear from him I get this uncontrollable urge to tell him how I feel, or felt, or would feel...or something equally stupid...

Why do we let them get to us like this!?! Every time!?!

It's driving me insane. I've dreamt about him several nights in a row now. And I need to get him out. Out of my head. It's hurting me to think of him, and yet I can't stop. Is there anyone out there who can help me? Anyone??

Not even my (I knooooow, I'm getting a bit pre-occupied with imagination...) fantasies of a certain vampire stops me from thinking of him...(Hence all he posts of E.C. on here... apologies handed out to everyone reading this...)

I just wish it would. So I can sleep again....

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