Songs To Live & Die By

A friend told me that he thinks that one of the best ways to get to know someone is through their taste in music. So, since I haven't told anyone about me and what I'm about, I'll give you 20 songs that is always heard in my flat (or just my head). So, here goes...

• Muse - Supermassive Black Hole

A must-have song in any girls collection. A love song that rough as shit! Love it to bits, listen to it every single day, at least once or I would not make it through the day!!!

• Jars Of Clay - Closer

Sooooo cute I want to grab it and smooch it and eat it up! Seriously!! In one big bite. Mmmmm yummy!

• MCR- I Don't Love You

I never thought I'd like MCR but this song has my name written all over it. It's my song. It's written for me. I'm sure of it. No no. I am. Really.

• The Wannadies - Oh Yes (It's A Mess) & Friends
  

Swedish group. Love love love them. They're from the North just like me. Oh Yes (It's A Mess) is one of the best post-breakup songs ever written... & Friends...well, the lyrics says it all really... Jealousy at it's best!

• The Killers - Mr Brightside

This song is actually my ring signal on my mobile. I love it! Can't get enough of it. I barely answer my phone any more. (Sorry!!) Killer video as well!

• Kate Nash - Nicest Thing & We Get On

As with The Wannadies it was impossible to choose just one song. I could've chosen all of her lyrical diamonds!

• Arctic Monkeys - Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong But...

As I love Vampires (hint hint Edward Cullen) this song is a given.

• The Beatles - We Can Work It Out

Golden oldie with great lyrics. A breakup song filled with optimism (just listen to the melody...)

• Robert Pattinson - Let Me Sign

Have you heard that boy's voice?!?! Beautiful and haunting.... (& I'm not only talking about his voice...)

• Sia - Soon We'll Be Found

This girl can surely sing, and write songs. And touch my heart in more ways than one. I've always wished I could write like this. Beautiful. True. Nothing left...to say.

• The Cure - Boys Don't Cry

This song reminds me that boys do indeed cry too. (At least when no one else is around.) And FYI; it's Nick's ring signal in Nick & Norahs Infinite Playlist (Great film! Watchable!)

• Kate Bush - This Woman's Work

Knocks me off my feet every time. Her fragile voice that somehow seem able to carry triple its weight. The lyrics are outstanding and makes my eyes fill up every time... It will never seize to amaze me. It will never die. This song is forever...

• Amy Winehouse - Back To Black

"He left no time to regret, kept his dick wet. With his same, old safe bet. Me & my head high & my tears dry. Get on without my guy." - Says it all, really....

• Pink - So What

Whoaw! She amazes me every time she comes out with a new one. Loving the fact that she brings real life into her songs. I hurt with her and realise that I am a Rockstar too!!! Hurt, angry and raw!!!

• The Smiths - Girlfriend In A Coma

A song that reminds me of my life in London and of a friend who's no longer with us. Grant, you twat! I miss you!!!

• Panic! At The Disco - London Beckoned Songs About Money Written By Machines

Another song that reminds me of London and of having fun. A "feel good" song in so many ways.

• Lykke Li - I'm Good I'm Gone

A very cute Swedish singer with a special sound and a voice like an angel. Love her love her!

• Radiohead - Creep

Another oldie that I used to say I wanted to be sung at my funeral (I had this weird thing where I thought I'd die by the age of 27.) Well, 27 has come and gone. I'm still here & so is the song as my sweet number 20.

That's it folks!

Let Me Sign

Something a friend said today reminded me of how fragile life is. How we should take care of it and live it and not just go through it because we have to. It's so easy to forget that our lives are short and that everything can change in just a flash.

It's tragic really, that we don't take care of ourselves and of our loved ones better. How selfish we are. Cos we truly are. Think about it for a second. How often don't we shout at each other? Put each other down? Say things and do things, evil things, just cos we are selfish and hurt and sad.

How often do I tell my Daughter off for the silliest of things? How often do I see the hurt in her eyes and turn away cos I know that I'm the one who caused that hurt? How often do I wish I could take things back? Knowing it's too late....

Rash decisions. Rash thoughts put into words. I wish I would have known my friends' words then. I wish I would have known them sooner. I wish I would have known that without life in your heart you have no life at all.

I wish I would have thought about love and how important love really is. To love unconditionally, to show love when it's difficult, to show love when you really just want to shout and curse and let go.

I wish I would have thought about that yesterday as well....

Remember When...

If I had dreams that I could remember for as long as I live,
I would ask You to remember them with me in the warmth of always...

The Lonesome Road

I feel annoyed. As told previously, I've tried to go on dates with this one guy but we've managed only one. A lunch date to top it off. He called me last night, not too late and asked if he could come over. Of course, I replied, a bit chuffed. Tidied up a little, made sure Daughter was sound asleep, retouched makeup and made sure clothes were appropriate.

He arrived. Drunk. (Of course) (I mean what else is new with him...) I know he's separated from his girlfriend recently (try 6 months ago) and she's now taken their daughter with her and moved to another town (Sounds tough, I know...) but coming over to my place drunk wanting...well, I know what he wanted. (Not that he got it!) That's just plain rude!! I'm not an idiot. I know my worth. If I want to shag a guy, I will, but because I want to. Not because he needs confirmation of some kind. Will. Not. Happen.

Ever.

He's a nice guy, and I do feel for him. I understand he's sad and upset about the whole breakup and losing his daughter. But that's no reason for treating another person as a comforter. (Well, not me anyway.) I'll talk to him soon. I will try to explain that if keeping me as a friend is near enough important to him as keeping his bed warm, he shouldn't put me in such an embarrassing situation ever again. Because if was embarrassing. Not for me, but for him. And I think that was the hardest part to watch... I do hope he doesn't have to go through that again (and to be honest...I hope I won't either!)

Dream

Dreamy dreamy dreamy dreamy
There are no other words
(Am reduced to teenageism again)

Jealous Ones Still Envy

There are many things in life I am jealous of. But there is just one thing (or two to put it right) that will make the green eyed monster crawl out from under my skin.

Dimples.

Yea, that's right. You heard me. Dimples. I am jealous of everyone with dimples. They make women look beautiful and men look dead sexy. Dimples are disastrous. They're dangerous to everyone who lives and breathes.

To top it off, they're distracting. Weather it's on a child or adult (but mostly adult of course.) But how can you tell a child with dimples off? A tiny little angel with chubby cheeks and the most blinding set of dimples? And how can you not let that beautiful dimpled woman jump the queue just because...you know, she's got dimples? -I let her. All the time. The saddest part though...I always let guys with dimples off the hook. Every time. No matter what they do, no matter their crime. Just because of the dimples. Like I said, they're distracting. They lead me off the scent. So annoying...

The only thing that brightens up my day is the fact that dimples are a product of a gene that (in layman's terms) shortens the facial muscles. (Sounds funny to me.) (Jealousy talking people.) And that in old age dimples are reduced to a long line on each cheek. Not so attractive anymore. (Still...jealousy talking.)

Dimples. Something manufactured from cells to make us all go insanely mad!

All That You Can't Leave Behind

I started packing today. Or not so much packing than rummaging through my stuff to see what to save and what to throw away. See, for a still unknown couple of months my Daughter and I will have to live in our suitcases due to a burst water pipe in our flat. And the rest of our belongings will have to fit into a room the size of a peanut. All of our stuff! (Except for my sofa which, I'm grateful to say, one of my friends will rest his bum on for the extent of our homelessness...) (Thank you, H!)

The silly things that you can find while packing. Old Christmas cards from ex-boyfriends, make-up since long forgotten, cassette tapes (do they even exist anymore??) with yours truly singing Madonnas "This used to be my playground" (My God the horror...) and two workout DVD's that I'd pretended I'd lost after giving birth (return of the toned tummy *urgh*).

Next thing on my list of "stuff to sort out" is my life as a student. I've been skipping exams and reports that's supposed to be handed in. (Not that it's been all silly lies and stuff, my Daughter has been ill. But I might have faked a teeny tiny bit of a stomach bug to get out of some things that I forgot to study for...Oopsy...) But I'm getting back on track now. (Promise.)

Hereby I solemnly declare that I will not watch any more episodes of How I met your Mother (love love love Barney!!!) until I've got my life back on track...(Starting tomorrow...I just have one more episode to watch...). And I will not get any more take aways until I have enough money in my account to actually afford it (not counting the pizza we had tonight). And last but not least, I promise to get my ass to school (as of next week). And I always always stand by my word (well, most of the time anyways.)

"It's gonna be Legen.Wait for it...Dary!!!"

Post Traumatic Date

The dating scene, I don't really know if it's for me. I've tried it for a while now and...I don't know. I don't know if there are any guys out there who are good enough for me. (Sorry to the guys that I've been on dates with, but it's true...no shame in that though. I'm just picky!)

Date number 1: Not a total dumb ass, but if I have to go on another date where the entire conversation is about cars and different motorparts I will slit my wrists. I mean, come on. When is a girl EVER interested in the fact that some dude found a tiny little thingiemebob that goes into the carborator-thing (or whatever) on his used up VW? -Never is the answer to that!! Ever!

Date number 2: Cool Guy. Brought me to this really slick party with the IT-crowd. Fun! Hilarious! And then another one of my dates showed up unannounced (not the best three hours of my life!). (Ok. Not the Cool Guys' fault per se, but if he can't measure up to the other guy, who's not even half as cool as him really, he might not be my cuppa tea anyway...hmmm)

Date number 3: Well, we've tried going on dates for about...4 months now and all we've managed is one lunch date. One! How is that even possible you think? -Well, I'll tell you. Some really bad planning. But he's kinda fit! So I'm going to give him another chance. Although the only time he seems to get the time lately is around 3 am very early Sunday mornings... (Now why might that be? Hmmm. I stand corrected. He might be fit, but the dumpster is the only thing good enough for him. Next!)

Date number 4: To be honest. We're still in the predate stage. We haven't gotten to that part yet. I think he's had some other girl waiting in the wings for a while, since I've been a bit preoccupied in the arms of others (alot of wishful thinking, which might include a certain vampire) and I haven't really given him too much thought until recently. Single parent like myself. But I do like being put on a piedestal, so sharing him with his kids might just be too much. (I'm a Princess, what can I say....)

Not that it really matters since I always look ahead and think about the inevitable breakup. Cos there is always a breakup. I left the happy ever afters at Nursery together with Cinderella and Snow White... Cynical? - Of course. True?- Not a clue. I just know that if I can't be happy with the same guy for the rest of my life, why even bother?

So what I'm thinking is; Why not wait to get "hitched" until I'm old? (Old as in all wrinkled and squishy.) Why waste my youth on some guy who'll probably dump me for a younger version of me by the time I hit 40?

Another thing with dating is; how does the whole "dating lots of different people at the same time" really work? I mean, I've tried it now and all it does is sending me to an early grave. I asked one of my friends who's been doing it for years, and he told me that it's easy; just don't overexaggerate anything, keep as close to the truth as you possibly can and never ever ever say/shout/whisper any names in bed. That's apparently when it might go horribly wrong. (I'd say....)

Anyhow. I've decided to not look for someone special. I'm just going to have fun. I'm going to enjoy my freedom. I'm going to enjoy feeling wanted and loved without making too much effort. And I will certainly not shout any boys' names in bed!!! (As of yet anyways...)

I Shall Believe

Now, my dear (Swedish) friends,

it's only one month and nine days left until the release of the Twilight DVD (the US has an earlier release). I cannot wait. CAN. NOT. WAIT. Deleted and extended scenes with the lovely Edward Cullen. Ohmigod! Yum is an understatement.

I have, of course, pre-ordered the DVD! And yes, I am that crazy.

I will never give up the dream of having my own Edward tucked up in bed with me. Sadly, he (probably) doesn't exist, so I have to make due with the DVD and the fantasy in said bed. Ah well. A 30-something has got to dream right?

To wish a vampire in bed with you...?
Sane? -No.
Smart? -Er, no.
Sexy? -Hell, yes.

With Arms Outstretched

I've had this one dream several nights in a row. I'm flying in the woods, everything is covered in a dark blue, almost magic light. All the trees and ferns look black but not menacing. I can feel them caressing my face and my arms as I glide by.

All of a sudden I can see a darker shadow in front of me. An owl with a wing span of several metres with huge round yellow eyes staring at me. Just as it's nearly crashing into me it lifts it's wings and flies above me and away, only a short "whooshing" sound as it disappears. My heart is racing, but weirdly enough I'm not scared, just amazed at how silent and quick it was.

This dream continues night after night. Nothing exiting happens, but it's just the serenity of the dream that fascinates me. It calms me down. Even now as I try to focus on it, my inner being is being soothed by the tranquility of the darkened forest, the dark indigo night and the gentle breeze from flying. All in all, a good nights' dream...

Near Wild Heaven

I totally love shopping. No, I'll rephrase that. I totally can't live without shopping!!

It doesn't really matter what it is. Whether food or clothes or shoes or little furry (or not so furry) animals (but mostly clothes). I mean, what's not to like? The adrenalin rush? The plastic, rubbery smell of new? The total satisfaction of bringing something home, in multiple colors, trying it on, sleeping next to it or even just looking at it ( whatever does it for ya.)?

I love shopping soooo much that even being a poor student doesn't stop me. I love shopping so much that even when I know I haven't got money I'll still buy the items (preferably on sale, cos that means that I can buy a bunch of items - same make, different colors). See, what I do is...I buy the items, take them home, try them on...and return them within two days... (as you do.) Now, don't send me to the looney house just yet. I've figured it out (and there must be someone else out there who can feel me on this) that I get total satisfaction from buying the items, but even more satisfaction when I get the money that I really can't afford to spend back into my account again.

I know I might sound crazy to some, but trust me, it feels so much better at the end of the month when there's still money left in the account. A lot better!!! (Weird thing is, I don't even miss what I've bought...)

Well, crazy or not. It's a great tip from one shopaholic to another... Try it, you might like it!

Bridge Over Troubled Water

The water that flooded my flat seem to have flooded my brains as well. But it's getting better now. The water is now merely humidity stuck to the walls of my head. I can see clearer and I don't feel like I'm drowning in angst any longer. (Trying to be deep is, well...not really working...)

But it's true though. I couldn't see clearly just a week ago. I literally felt like I was drowning. Sometimes it's hard to cope with what's in front of you. Total misery sometimes. Like owing your landlord lots of money for something stupid as a flooded flat, not having anywhere to live...due to a flooded flat, leaving your child homeless due to a...flooded flat.

But things are looking up. Finally. The sun is shining outside, and in my heart. I'm so glad I have my friends. They've stuck by me through the years when I've been a total spaz, when I've been crying over some guy, or like now...over a flooded flat. They've wiped my tears, made me a bed, babysat my beautiful Daughter, taken care of my drunken arse, watched sitcoms that I like though it usually makes them want to gag...just because that's what friends are for.

I Love My Friends. They Are My Life.

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

Layer upon layer of thickness brush against my temples.
I shield myself away from your gaze.

A sore aching cry from your throat startles me.
A sense of well being at your pained heart.
A prophesy of my bones breaking yours.

This is not how I imagined Love.
My infatuation has grown stronger and stronger.
It is wrong. I know.

Layer after layer of caresses strikes against my lips.
I open my eyes.

Life Through An Hourglass

Not many things are clear to me today. My future seems uncertain for sure. I never applied to that University I wanted to go to. Not because I didn't want to, not because I was scared. But because it wasn't in me. I didn't feel it. That it was right. Does that even make any sense?

Now. It's not like I'm getting any younger (Hmmm, where's my vampireboyfriend when I need him?) And it's not like the chances are multiplying before my eyes... So what was I thinking?

That's the thing, I wasn't. I just had a bad day.

Another thing. I'm slipping my courses. And not by mistake. It's like I'm deciding to slip up, to fail deadlines and skip sending work in.

It's not too late yet. I still have time. But like with the years as we get older so is the future getting shorter and shorter. But I don't want my Daughter to wake up one day with a Mother who doesn't know who she is. Who doesn't have a future. Because that might mean that she might not have a future to look forward to as well...

I've Got Dreams To Remember

Dreams are better than reality.

Reality always lets you down.

The Wind That Blew My Heart Away

Could the agonizing hurt in my heart have anything to do with you?

-Yes, you know who you are.

You stole my heart and you left.

For certain periods in my life I feel safe from you. You won't hurt me.

But then you come back. Pierce my soul. Blacken my heart. Redden my eyes.

I attempt to free myself of you. To ease the pain.

In vain.

You are inside of me. A twisted corpse. A rotting ache.

And I promise. Tomorrow.

I will rid myself of you again.

Memory

A very very very old friend added me to his FB today. I haven't heard from him in, what, 14 years maybe? I looked for him a few years back but couldn't find him. So I gave up. And now he's back in my life.

We live hundreds and hundreds of miles from each other, we've never met in person, but he's always had a special place in my heart. We used to speak on the phone and I fell in love with his voice. We spoke about flying to see each other, which of course never happened. I was 13 when we first got in contact, through our schools. He was a year older.

I've thought about him once in a while. Maybe less and less through the years. But he's always been there, somewhere in the back of my mind. And now he's here. In proximity. Not in a physical sense, but still...he's back.

The Hero Dies In This One

I've seen Twilight, oh, about umpteen times by now. One of the greatest love stories ever. Ever! I wanna have a vampireboyfriend too, who can run up mountains with me on his back, or up tree tops for that matter (though I'm absolutely terrified of heights). A vampireboyfriend that will save me from idiotguys who doesn't get I'M NOT INTERESTED (not that that happens to me a lot...) I want a vampireboyfriend who thinks of me as his own brand of heroin. Yes! That's what I want!!!

The only downside of having a boyfriend that is a vampire is that all his friends would want to kill me...And so would he for that matter. Hmmmm....Ah well, nevermind.

You win some you lose some, eh?

Lifetime Piling Up

The first day of a new life with all that comes along with it, isn't it just amazing? (I've always just wanted to say that hahaha). No, seriously. Just another day. Just another stupid day containing the same mistakes and the same outcomes as every day. Nothing has changed from yesterday (now, why did I think it would've?) but I still feel content with my life.

Broken teeth, flooded rooms...it doesn't really matter...

It's a bit unnerving, the wait for something better. It feels futile...Am I allowed to call it that, I don't know... So, I'm waiting for something better to come around. But I've always been told I shouldn't wait, I should go out and do. But every time I've tried that, something bad happens. It's my Karma. It's gone. I actually owe the Karma dude lots and lots of Karma, cos I'm thinking evil thoughts, hacking evil plans and doing evil things to and about people I don't like. I think I need to stop doing that. Like, right now. Hrm, I should shouldn't I? Not just sit and wait. Not just think and moan... It's like an epiphany. Just like that. Right now.


I'm just gonna go do some...stuff first.