God Bless The Child

My Daughter is finally coming home!!! Yey, only 4 days left. I've missed her soooo much, I haven't even been able to speak about it in my blog. It's been hurting like hell, but it's over soon.

She's properly English now, it's so funny. I'm not joking when I say that she sounds more English than her Dad. (And I'm secretly pleased she's taken after his new girlfriend G, her accent is way better than my Daughter's Dad.)

She's been angry with me lots of times; refused to speak to me, not wanting to look into to the web cam, telling G that she loves her in front of me to hurt me (even though that's backfired completely, since I'm so thrilled to see my Daughter happy with G. It would have broken my heart though if my Daughter hadn't liked G, thinking it was a nightmare staying there).

But I know she's been acting up because she thinks I've abandoned her. But it's been so good for all of them to have her with them in London. It's been good for me too; after being the egotistical Mum who's taken a child away from the father.

I've kind of experienced the pain of not having her with me at all times. I've experienced how her Dad must feel when she doesn't want to speak to him (which used to happen alot, only cos she was hurt by him not being closer). I've experienced the inhumane wait to see her again. The agonising days that go by so slowly - just like watching paint dry, but a hundred times worse.

And now the wait is finally over. My baby is coming home. My baby who is not a baby any longer, but a five-year-old girl that has grown and matured; who's learned another language, who's a very proud big sister and who's gained the mutual respect and love from her Dad's new girlfriend. Important steps.

She's a girl of two loving families - now, how rich is she!?!?!

Daughter

It's only one week and one day left until I'm flying my Daughter to Stockholm for her to go see her Dad. He's meeting us at the airport and is taking her to London where he lives. I'm trying not to think about it. I guess that's why I haven't mentioned it in my blog until now. It hurts too much and if I think about it I'll probably not take her to see him. She's scheduled to stay with him until the end of August.

The end of August... that's a very long time... Too long...

I know I'm being selfish, but I love her way too much to bear the thought of not having her with me all the time... she's my life! I want to cry when I think about it, so I just don't. Even now as I'm writing this it feels like I'm detaching myself from the situation, like I'm not writing about myself, but someone else.

I'm going to bury myself in my work. I've been in contact with the manager of my last job at the airport café and she wants me to come work extra there too, so as soon as I get my rota for my main job I'll call her up to see if she's got anything for me. Anything to stop thinking about missing my baby.

Worst part is that her Birthday is going to be while she's in London. I never thought I'd miss even one of her Birthdays, and that gives me chills down my spine thinking about it.

So, I'm going to do what any normal parent would do and block it out until the day arrives and then cry and whine to my friends about it. Go to work, go home, get drunk silly and flirt with lots of boys. Then cry some more and wish that August would just come already!

Bad Influence...

A preview of what's to come.

A New Moon trailer...

OMG!!!

Stuck In The Middle With You

Do you remember your first love? That love that took your breath away. The love that ran warm chills down your spine just at the thought of him/her. The one that left you broken hearted and doomed to never trust, ever again.

Call me a sick and disturbed romantic, but haven't you ever wished that they would come chasing after you one day?

My first love was Rich. He was English and a few years older than me. I was 22 and utterly and irreversibly in love with him. I never thought our love would end.

As in many other love stories there is, of course a glitch. We were involved in this weird love triangle, where his friend was in love with me too. And Rich didn't want to hurt his friend. We were trying to let him get over his crush on me.

We'd meet after dark, planning our escape to warm countries. With our heads close together, we'd talk for hours on end how we would run away from it all. We even had our own song (what a cliché, right?). Stuck in the middle with you, spinning in my head, night after night with him beside me. The love of my life. Rich. The exiting and funny and romantic English boy who gave me his heart, and took it back in one excruciating beat...

He told me he loved me in a dark, seedy club; loud music ringing in my ears. And I laughed it off because I was scared. I couldn't believe him, I wouldn't believe him... But I do believe him now. We were in love, both of us, with each other. But love consumed us, not just the love for each other, but the love of a friend. The love we both felt for him.

His friend was adorable. And Rich had a girlfriend. But when Rich broke it off with his girlfriend (or rather, she broke it off with him. He'd known for a while that she was seeing someone else...) I'd stopped waiting. I thought he didn't really want me. So when his friend finally plucked up the courage to ask me out, I said yes.

I did love his friend for a while, but I was never truly in love with him. Not like Rich. Who broke my heart. Whose heart I broke.

One night the three of us went to a party, after Rich and I had not been speaking for months on end. My boyfriend, Rich's friend, wanted to go home early, and told me to stay, that Rich could take me home (how trusting his friend was of us). Rich asked me if I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to. Words will never be able to express how badly I wanted to stay with him. But, I couldn't. I wouldn't. I said no. I left the love of my life and left with someone I cared for, but not truly loved. But I couldn't be unfaithful. Because I knew what would have happened had I stayed. My blood was boiling for Rich. For his touch. His kiss. For him.

That was the last time we spoke...

I bumped into Rich two summers ago, when I visited London. He is gorgeous. Beautiful. He still takes my breath away. He still owns my heart. I just wish that he would chase after me. That he would understand that we were meant for each other.

I wish I could still be stuck in that crowded room with him, when he said he loved me. I wish I would have answered him. I wish he'd understood that I was scared. And that if he would tell me that today, I'd answer: I love you too....