God Bless The Child

My Daughter is finally coming home!!! Yey, only 4 days left. I've missed her soooo much, I haven't even been able to speak about it in my blog. It's been hurting like hell, but it's over soon.

She's properly English now, it's so funny. I'm not joking when I say that she sounds more English than her Dad. (And I'm secretly pleased she's taken after his new girlfriend G, her accent is way better than my Daughter's Dad.)

She's been angry with me lots of times; refused to speak to me, not wanting to look into to the web cam, telling G that she loves her in front of me to hurt me (even though that's backfired completely, since I'm so thrilled to see my Daughter happy with G. It would have broken my heart though if my Daughter hadn't liked G, thinking it was a nightmare staying there).

But I know she's been acting up because she thinks I've abandoned her. But it's been so good for all of them to have her with them in London. It's been good for me too; after being the egotistical Mum who's taken a child away from the father.

I've kind of experienced the pain of not having her with me at all times. I've experienced how her Dad must feel when she doesn't want to speak to him (which used to happen alot, only cos she was hurt by him not being closer). I've experienced the inhumane wait to see her again. The agonising days that go by so slowly - just like watching paint dry, but a hundred times worse.

And now the wait is finally over. My baby is coming home. My baby who is not a baby any longer, but a five-year-old girl that has grown and matured; who's learned another language, who's a very proud big sister and who's gained the mutual respect and love from her Dad's new girlfriend. Important steps.

She's a girl of two loving families - now, how rich is she!?!?!

Woman's Work

The fight against breast cancer is going strong everywhere! Everywhere!!

-Good! Fight fight fight!!! Never give up.

There might be tears. There might be pain. But we will never give up the right to live full and happy lives together with our loved ones.

Hide & Seek

Not only is my sister still fighting breast cancer... Not only do I still think about my friend C's Mum who lost her battle against this evil spawn of Satan last year...

One of my best friends is now starting her own fight against breast cancer...

Cancer is devious. Cancer is horrid and petrifying and mortal.

My Mum died of cancer when I was only a baby. My cousin nearly lost her life to it after ending up in a coma. I know friends who have lost loved ones to it.

I'm sitting here, in my dark room thinking of my friend E. Her little daughter, less than two years old who might, or might not, grow up with her Mum. (I get an acidic taste in my mouth just thinking the words.) It hurts. There is no other option than life for my friend. There isn't. It would hurt too much losing her, so I won't think the thought. The words will not reach my tongue.

She will live! She is life.

Bring The Pain

Today has been one of the hardest days...

I spoke to my Daughter on Skype and she started crying uncontrollably; wanting me, wanting to go home. Needing me...

I know she's happy with her Dad. I know she loves it there. But my heart was shattered today by the sound of her quiet sobs wishing for her mummy. And this once I wasn't be able to make her wish come true.

And that hurts. So much...

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

They say everything gets better with time. But I'm just hurting more and more. How will I make another 2 months without my Daughter?

She's refusing to speak to me on Skype, which I totally understand. She does exactly the same thing to her Dad when she's here. But it still hurts a little bit when she shouts 'no' down the phone and runs off.

Feel like crying but need to be strong, if I start I might not be able to stop. It's self pity and it won't help. She's happy and that's what's important!

The good news are that my ex's new girlfriend G wrote me a message on Facebook. It made me feel great. I'm glad she did. I mean, it's not like I want us to forge a friendship or anything. I just want us to get along, for everyone's sake.

My ex and I are (finally) on good terms (we had a tiny bit of a falling out two summers ago due to him not treating his girlfriend or me fairly) but that's all in the past. And I wouldn't want her and I to not get along... And what I really like about her is that she's really trying hard to get to know my Daughter. Really hard.

She's bought a Swedish phrase book and is learning Swedish so that they will be able to communicate (which is good since my little daughter is refusing to speak English at the moment... hahah stubborn little mite...)

I like the fact that my Daughter has got an extended family. What I don't like is the fact that her extended family is living so far away and that this takes my Daughter away from me.

(I know... I'm selfish!)

I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her

Daughter

It's only one week and one day left until I'm flying my Daughter to Stockholm for her to go see her Dad. He's meeting us at the airport and is taking her to London where he lives. I'm trying not to think about it. I guess that's why I haven't mentioned it in my blog until now. It hurts too much and if I think about it I'll probably not take her to see him. She's scheduled to stay with him until the end of August.

The end of August... that's a very long time... Too long...

I know I'm being selfish, but I love her way too much to bear the thought of not having her with me all the time... she's my life! I want to cry when I think about it, so I just don't. Even now as I'm writing this it feels like I'm detaching myself from the situation, like I'm not writing about myself, but someone else.

I'm going to bury myself in my work. I've been in contact with the manager of my last job at the airport café and she wants me to come work extra there too, so as soon as I get my rota for my main job I'll call her up to see if she's got anything for me. Anything to stop thinking about missing my baby.

Worst part is that her Birthday is going to be while she's in London. I never thought I'd miss even one of her Birthdays, and that gives me chills down my spine thinking about it.

So, I'm going to do what any normal parent would do and block it out until the day arrives and then cry and whine to my friends about it. Go to work, go home, get drunk silly and flirt with lots of boys. Then cry some more and wish that August would just come already!

Stuck In The Middle With You

Do you remember your first love? That love that took your breath away. The love that ran warm chills down your spine just at the thought of him/her. The one that left you broken hearted and doomed to never trust, ever again.

Call me a sick and disturbed romantic, but haven't you ever wished that they would come chasing after you one day?

My first love was Rich. He was English and a few years older than me. I was 22 and utterly and irreversibly in love with him. I never thought our love would end.

As in many other love stories there is, of course a glitch. We were involved in this weird love triangle, where his friend was in love with me too. And Rich didn't want to hurt his friend. We were trying to let him get over his crush on me.

We'd meet after dark, planning our escape to warm countries. With our heads close together, we'd talk for hours on end how we would run away from it all. We even had our own song (what a cliché, right?). Stuck in the middle with you, spinning in my head, night after night with him beside me. The love of my life. Rich. The exiting and funny and romantic English boy who gave me his heart, and took it back in one excruciating beat...

He told me he loved me in a dark, seedy club; loud music ringing in my ears. And I laughed it off because I was scared. I couldn't believe him, I wouldn't believe him... But I do believe him now. We were in love, both of us, with each other. But love consumed us, not just the love for each other, but the love of a friend. The love we both felt for him.

His friend was adorable. And Rich had a girlfriend. But when Rich broke it off with his girlfriend (or rather, she broke it off with him. He'd known for a while that she was seeing someone else...) I'd stopped waiting. I thought he didn't really want me. So when his friend finally plucked up the courage to ask me out, I said yes.

I did love his friend for a while, but I was never truly in love with him. Not like Rich. Who broke my heart. Whose heart I broke.

One night the three of us went to a party, after Rich and I had not been speaking for months on end. My boyfriend, Rich's friend, wanted to go home early, and told me to stay, that Rich could take me home (how trusting his friend was of us). Rich asked me if I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to. Words will never be able to express how badly I wanted to stay with him. But, I couldn't. I wouldn't. I said no. I left the love of my life and left with someone I cared for, but not truly loved. But I couldn't be unfaithful. Because I knew what would have happened had I stayed. My blood was boiling for Rich. For his touch. His kiss. For him.

That was the last time we spoke...

I bumped into Rich two summers ago, when I visited London. He is gorgeous. Beautiful. He still takes my breath away. He still owns my heart. I just wish that he would chase after me. That he would understand that we were meant for each other.

I wish I could still be stuck in that crowded room with him, when he said he loved me. I wish I would have answered him. I wish he'd understood that I was scared. And that if he would tell me that today, I'd answer: I love you too....

Morning Glory

Another day, another story. Another lifetime ago it feels like. When I was young and beautiful and life never seemed to end... That was yesterday, this is today, and life, it seems is over!

Have you ever felt like that? Like there is no life to live any longer?

(I know, it sounds really melodramatic. But that's how I feel today... And I think I'm allowed to wallow in my own misery every once in a while. We all are!)

I miss my home, I miss my bed. I miss my TV (even though it doesn't even belong to me, but to an ex FWB (Friend With Benefit) that currently is in Oz living it up while peeing his territory in my flat by leaving his flat screen TV and his computer), I miss my own kitchen... But most of all, I miss it being quiet...

Espesially while hung over or tired...

So, today (when I am hung over and tired) I wish to be overly dramatic and sad and lonely... just because I can choose to be...

Mother Mother

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mums out there!

And not to forget Mother's-to-be and Gramps!!! Feel the love of your loved one's on a day like this.

I will, though we don't celebrate Mother's Day in Sweden today. My Daughter is born abroad where Mother's Day is on this day, so I'm getting two a year. Ha!

(Karma karma karma...)

Cherish today, for tomorrow might not come...

30 Things About Me You Didn't Know...

1.I've had nearly all colours of the rainbow in my hair. To name a few: blueberry, grey, black, fushia, green, lilac, red and orange.

2. When I was younger I wanted to be an actress, firefighter, ballerina, circusartist, singer and a "starchild" like Elizabeth in the TV show "V". And all at the same time... (But now I just want to be kissing Edward, nothing else - Twilighters out there, y'all know what I'm talking about!)

3. I went to Music school because there was "nothing else to do". (But happened to looooove it when I did.)

4. I'm terrified of spiders. Even the teeny tiny red ones that can't barely be seen.

5. I'm not scared of snakes though...

6. I always manage to stay up too late for my own good. Even though I try to get to bed on time. (Never happens though...)

7. I miss London. Alot.

8. I've always always wanted to go to Boston, MA. A childhood dream. Just because of the love of pickled cucumber that in Sweden is called "Bostongurka" (Boston cucumber).

9. My favourite English word is....thingie (not even a real word, but it comes in handy ALL the time, trust me.)

10. I still hate school....

11.With all the money in the world, I'd still go Primark aaaall the way. (Cheap and cheerful!)

12. I haven't seen the movie The Piano.

13. Even today I cry a bit when I hear my favourite song from childhood by Debbie Gibson. "...I get lost in your eyes...." *sniffle sniffle*

14.I bought my first mobile phone at the "tender" age of 23. (And I'm still finding it hard to get them to understand me!!)

15. I know the song "The wheels on the bus" off by heart, all due to my beautiful Daughter.

16. I'm dead scared of heights, but would climb anything to save the ones' I love!!

17. I've shot a Glock 9 once at a security training course, and LOVED IT!!!!!

18. As a little tomboy I made all my Barbie's into punk warriors with tattoos and piercings. We used to keep the Ken-dolls in an old birdcage used as a prison. Girrrl Power!!!!

19. My love for Mr Ol' Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra is eternal. My favourite song by him is "Summerwind". Still gives me chills when I listen to it.

20. I love poker. And I'm quite good at it.

21. I've lived in my flat for 3 years and still haven't managed to put up a proper shower curtain.

22. I'm a sucker for American TV shows. How I met your Mother, Grey's Anatomy, One Tree Hill (swoon), Greek (swooooon), Moonlight and Priviliged - you are my life!!!

23. I love to swim but hate to been seen in revealing bathing clothes, so it's a catch 22 thing.

24.I have this weird "fascination" for serial killers and I used to save any material I could (books, videos, newspaper clippings) to try to dive deep into their minds and to try to figure out what makes them tick. I still feel this urge to know, I guess that's why I've decided to join the police. (And why Criminal Minds and CSI is never missed on TV).

25. I love the smell of homemade wild strawberry squash and homemade cinnamon cake!! That's the smell of childhood and happy summers.

26. I've watched Twilight too many times for my own good.

27. And I've read the Twilight saga one time too many as well.... (I serioulsly think I need to get myself checked into Twilight Rehab...)

28. I secretly fancy Tom Selleck, and have done so since I was 10. (What?? Magnum's brilliant!)

29. When I was younger I used to sleep for 14 hours consistently, unless my Gran woke me up of course.... (If I didn't have my Daughter I'd still do it...)

30. My biggest fear when I was little was the two old men sitting on the balcony in The Muppet Show. My God, the grumpy dude on the right was freaking me out! I wouldn't watch it unless my Gran sat beside me. (What she never knew was that I was scared of the grumpy old man cos he looked like my Grandad...)