Bring The Pain

Today has been one of the hardest days...

I spoke to my Daughter on Skype and she started crying uncontrollably; wanting me, wanting to go home. Needing me...

I know she's happy with her Dad. I know she loves it there. But my heart was shattered today by the sound of her quiet sobs wishing for her mummy. And this once I wasn't be able to make her wish come true.

And that hurts. So much...

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

They say everything gets better with time. But I'm just hurting more and more. How will I make another 2 months without my Daughter?

She's refusing to speak to me on Skype, which I totally understand. She does exactly the same thing to her Dad when she's here. But it still hurts a little bit when she shouts 'no' down the phone and runs off.

Feel like crying but need to be strong, if I start I might not be able to stop. It's self pity and it won't help. She's happy and that's what's important!

The good news are that my ex's new girlfriend G wrote me a message on Facebook. It made me feel great. I'm glad she did. I mean, it's not like I want us to forge a friendship or anything. I just want us to get along, for everyone's sake.

My ex and I are (finally) on good terms (we had a tiny bit of a falling out two summers ago due to him not treating his girlfriend or me fairly) but that's all in the past. And I wouldn't want her and I to not get along... And what I really like about her is that she's really trying hard to get to know my Daughter. Really hard.

She's bought a Swedish phrase book and is learning Swedish so that they will be able to communicate (which is good since my little daughter is refusing to speak English at the moment... hahah stubborn little mite...)

I like the fact that my Daughter has got an extended family. What I don't like is the fact that her extended family is living so far away and that this takes my Daughter away from me.

(I know... I'm selfish!)

I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her

Daughter

It's only one week and one day left until I'm flying my Daughter to Stockholm for her to go see her Dad. He's meeting us at the airport and is taking her to London where he lives. I'm trying not to think about it. I guess that's why I haven't mentioned it in my blog until now. It hurts too much and if I think about it I'll probably not take her to see him. She's scheduled to stay with him until the end of August.

The end of August... that's a very long time... Too long...

I know I'm being selfish, but I love her way too much to bear the thought of not having her with me all the time... she's my life! I want to cry when I think about it, so I just don't. Even now as I'm writing this it feels like I'm detaching myself from the situation, like I'm not writing about myself, but someone else.

I'm going to bury myself in my work. I've been in contact with the manager of my last job at the airport café and she wants me to come work extra there too, so as soon as I get my rota for my main job I'll call her up to see if she's got anything for me. Anything to stop thinking about missing my baby.

Worst part is that her Birthday is going to be while she's in London. I never thought I'd miss even one of her Birthdays, and that gives me chills down my spine thinking about it.

So, I'm going to do what any normal parent would do and block it out until the day arrives and then cry and whine to my friends about it. Go to work, go home, get drunk silly and flirt with lots of boys. Then cry some more and wish that August would just come already!

No Introductions Needed.

Click for:
Best kiss ever...............................

Stuck In The Middle With You

Do you remember your first love? That love that took your breath away. The love that ran warm chills down your spine just at the thought of him/her. The one that left you broken hearted and doomed to never trust, ever again.

Call me a sick and disturbed romantic, but haven't you ever wished that they would come chasing after you one day?

My first love was Rich. He was English and a few years older than me. I was 22 and utterly and irreversibly in love with him. I never thought our love would end.

As in many other love stories there is, of course a glitch. We were involved in this weird love triangle, where his friend was in love with me too. And Rich didn't want to hurt his friend. We were trying to let him get over his crush on me.

We'd meet after dark, planning our escape to warm countries. With our heads close together, we'd talk for hours on end how we would run away from it all. We even had our own song (what a cliché, right?). Stuck in the middle with you, spinning in my head, night after night with him beside me. The love of my life. Rich. The exiting and funny and romantic English boy who gave me his heart, and took it back in one excruciating beat...

He told me he loved me in a dark, seedy club; loud music ringing in my ears. And I laughed it off because I was scared. I couldn't believe him, I wouldn't believe him... But I do believe him now. We were in love, both of us, with each other. But love consumed us, not just the love for each other, but the love of a friend. The love we both felt for him.

His friend was adorable. And Rich had a girlfriend. But when Rich broke it off with his girlfriend (or rather, she broke it off with him. He'd known for a while that she was seeing someone else...) I'd stopped waiting. I thought he didn't really want me. So when his friend finally plucked up the courage to ask me out, I said yes.

I did love his friend for a while, but I was never truly in love with him. Not like Rich. Who broke my heart. Whose heart I broke.

One night the three of us went to a party, after Rich and I had not been speaking for months on end. My boyfriend, Rich's friend, wanted to go home early, and told me to stay, that Rich could take me home (how trusting his friend was of us). Rich asked me if I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to. Words will never be able to express how badly I wanted to stay with him. But, I couldn't. I wouldn't. I said no. I left the love of my life and left with someone I cared for, but not truly loved. But I couldn't be unfaithful. Because I knew what would have happened had I stayed. My blood was boiling for Rich. For his touch. His kiss. For him.

That was the last time we spoke...

I bumped into Rich two summers ago, when I visited London. He is gorgeous. Beautiful. He still takes my breath away. He still owns my heart. I just wish that he would chase after me. That he would understand that we were meant for each other.

I wish I could still be stuck in that crowded room with him, when he said he loved me. I wish I would have answered him. I wish he'd understood that I was scared. And that if he would tell me that today, I'd answer: I love you too....

Dream Sailor Dream

I had my strange dream again. The one where I'm flying in the dark and still night. Everything is so quiet and serene. But this time I felt an uneasy chill down my spine when I noticed the owl. I felt like his stare was menacing as he closed in on me...

And then, the scenery changed. Suddenly I was in a car in my hometown with Cappie next to me. We were laughting at something he'd said. I wasn't really paying attention to the road (since he's sooooo gorgeous, of course...) and I crashed straight into the side of another car. Not good!

I remember screaming, not because I was scared, or that we were hurt, but because of the fact that I now would have another insurance nightmare to have to think about.

When I woke up I was actually thinking that it had happened and that I owed someone loads of money for a new car. Until I realised that I'd had Cappie by my side the whole time. I mean, wishful thinking or not...I'd rather not have been in a car accident at all, than having been in one together with someone (as perfect) as Cappie!

Or...would I? Hmm, this will take some pondering over.

Things That Break...

Why make your heart strong, just to break it once again...

Izzie

Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you...

Songs To Live & Die By

A friend told me that he thinks that one of the best ways to get to know someone is through their taste in music. So, since I haven't told anyone about me and what I'm about, I'll give you 20 songs that is always heard in my flat (or just my head). So, here goes...

• Muse - Supermassive Black Hole

A must-have song in any girls collection. A love song that rough as shit! Love it to bits, listen to it every single day, at least once or I would not make it through the day!!!

• Jars Of Clay - Closer

Sooooo cute I want to grab it and smooch it and eat it up! Seriously!! In one big bite. Mmmmm yummy!

• MCR- I Don't Love You

I never thought I'd like MCR but this song has my name written all over it. It's my song. It's written for me. I'm sure of it. No no. I am. Really.

• The Wannadies - Oh Yes (It's A Mess) & Friends
  

Swedish group. Love love love them. They're from the North just like me. Oh Yes (It's A Mess) is one of the best post-breakup songs ever written... & Friends...well, the lyrics says it all really... Jealousy at it's best!

• The Killers - Mr Brightside

This song is actually my ring signal on my mobile. I love it! Can't get enough of it. I barely answer my phone any more. (Sorry!!) Killer video as well!

• Kate Nash - Nicest Thing & We Get On

As with The Wannadies it was impossible to choose just one song. I could've chosen all of her lyrical diamonds!

• Arctic Monkeys - Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong But...

As I love Vampires (hint hint Edward Cullen) this song is a given.

• The Beatles - We Can Work It Out

Golden oldie with great lyrics. A breakup song filled with optimism (just listen to the melody...)

• Robert Pattinson - Let Me Sign

Have you heard that boy's voice?!?! Beautiful and haunting.... (& I'm not only talking about his voice...)

• Sia - Soon We'll Be Found

This girl can surely sing, and write songs. And touch my heart in more ways than one. I've always wished I could write like this. Beautiful. True. Nothing left...to say.

• The Cure - Boys Don't Cry

This song reminds me that boys do indeed cry too. (At least when no one else is around.) And FYI; it's Nick's ring signal in Nick & Norahs Infinite Playlist (Great film! Watchable!)

• Kate Bush - This Woman's Work

Knocks me off my feet every time. Her fragile voice that somehow seem able to carry triple its weight. The lyrics are outstanding and makes my eyes fill up every time... It will never seize to amaze me. It will never die. This song is forever...

• Amy Winehouse - Back To Black

"He left no time to regret, kept his dick wet. With his same, old safe bet. Me & my head high & my tears dry. Get on without my guy." - Says it all, really....

• Pink - So What

Whoaw! She amazes me every time she comes out with a new one. Loving the fact that she brings real life into her songs. I hurt with her and realise that I am a Rockstar too!!! Hurt, angry and raw!!!

• The Smiths - Girlfriend In A Coma

A song that reminds me of my life in London and of a friend who's no longer with us. Grant, you twat! I miss you!!!

• Panic! At The Disco - London Beckoned Songs About Money Written By Machines

Another song that reminds me of London and of having fun. A "feel good" song in so many ways.

• Lykke Li - I'm Good I'm Gone

A very cute Swedish singer with a special sound and a voice like an angel. Love her love her!

• Radiohead - Creep

Another oldie that I used to say I wanted to be sung at my funeral (I had this weird thing where I thought I'd die by the age of 27.) Well, 27 has come and gone. I'm still here & so is the song as my sweet number 20.

That's it folks!

Let Me Sign

Something a friend said today reminded me of how fragile life is. How we should take care of it and live it and not just go through it because we have to. It's so easy to forget that our lives are short and that everything can change in just a flash.

It's tragic really, that we don't take care of ourselves and of our loved ones better. How selfish we are. Cos we truly are. Think about it for a second. How often don't we shout at each other? Put each other down? Say things and do things, evil things, just cos we are selfish and hurt and sad.

How often do I tell my Daughter off for the silliest of things? How often do I see the hurt in her eyes and turn away cos I know that I'm the one who caused that hurt? How often do I wish I could take things back? Knowing it's too late....

Rash decisions. Rash thoughts put into words. I wish I would have known my friends' words then. I wish I would have known them sooner. I wish I would have known that without life in your heart you have no life at all.

I wish I would have thought about love and how important love really is. To love unconditionally, to show love when it's difficult, to show love when you really just want to shout and curse and let go.

I wish I would have thought about that yesterday as well....

The Lonesome Road

I feel annoyed. As told previously, I've tried to go on dates with this one guy but we've managed only one. A lunch date to top it off. He called me last night, not too late and asked if he could come over. Of course, I replied, a bit chuffed. Tidied up a little, made sure Daughter was sound asleep, retouched makeup and made sure clothes were appropriate.

He arrived. Drunk. (Of course) (I mean what else is new with him...) I know he's separated from his girlfriend recently (try 6 months ago) and she's now taken their daughter with her and moved to another town (Sounds tough, I know...) but coming over to my place drunk wanting...well, I know what he wanted. (Not that he got it!) That's just plain rude!! I'm not an idiot. I know my worth. If I want to shag a guy, I will, but because I want to. Not because he needs confirmation of some kind. Will. Not. Happen.

Ever.

He's a nice guy, and I do feel for him. I understand he's sad and upset about the whole breakup and losing his daughter. But that's no reason for treating another person as a comforter. (Well, not me anyway.) I'll talk to him soon. I will try to explain that if keeping me as a friend is near enough important to him as keeping his bed warm, he shouldn't put me in such an embarrassing situation ever again. Because if was embarrassing. Not for me, but for him. And I think that was the hardest part to watch... I do hope he doesn't have to go through that again (and to be honest...I hope I won't either!)

The Quiet Things That No One Ever Knows

Layer upon layer of thickness brush against my temples.
I shield myself away from your gaze.

A sore aching cry from your throat startles me.
A sense of well being at your pained heart.
A prophesy of my bones breaking yours.

This is not how I imagined Love.
My infatuation has grown stronger and stronger.
It is wrong. I know.

Layer after layer of caresses strikes against my lips.
I open my eyes.

The Wind That Blew My Heart Away

Could the agonizing hurt in my heart have anything to do with you?

-Yes, you know who you are.

You stole my heart and you left.

For certain periods in my life I feel safe from you. You won't hurt me.

But then you come back. Pierce my soul. Blacken my heart. Redden my eyes.

I attempt to free myself of you. To ease the pain.

In vain.

You are inside of me. A twisted corpse. A rotting ache.

And I promise. Tomorrow.

I will rid myself of you again.