God Bless The Child

My Daughter is finally coming home!!! Yey, only 4 days left. I've missed her soooo much, I haven't even been able to speak about it in my blog. It's been hurting like hell, but it's over soon.

She's properly English now, it's so funny. I'm not joking when I say that she sounds more English than her Dad. (And I'm secretly pleased she's taken after his new girlfriend G, her accent is way better than my Daughter's Dad.)

She's been angry with me lots of times; refused to speak to me, not wanting to look into to the web cam, telling G that she loves her in front of me to hurt me (even though that's backfired completely, since I'm so thrilled to see my Daughter happy with G. It would have broken my heart though if my Daughter hadn't liked G, thinking it was a nightmare staying there).

But I know she's been acting up because she thinks I've abandoned her. But it's been so good for all of them to have her with them in London. It's been good for me too; after being the egotistical Mum who's taken a child away from the father.

I've kind of experienced the pain of not having her with me at all times. I've experienced how her Dad must feel when she doesn't want to speak to him (which used to happen alot, only cos she was hurt by him not being closer). I've experienced the inhumane wait to see her again. The agonising days that go by so slowly - just like watching paint dry, but a hundred times worse.

And now the wait is finally over. My baby is coming home. My baby who is not a baby any longer, but a five-year-old girl that has grown and matured; who's learned another language, who's a very proud big sister and who's gained the mutual respect and love from her Dad's new girlfriend. Important steps.

She's a girl of two loving families - now, how rich is she!?!?!

Bring The Pain

Today has been one of the hardest days...

I spoke to my Daughter on Skype and she started crying uncontrollably; wanting me, wanting to go home. Needing me...

I know she's happy with her Dad. I know she loves it there. But my heart was shattered today by the sound of her quiet sobs wishing for her mummy. And this once I wasn't be able to make her wish come true.

And that hurts. So much...

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

They say everything gets better with time. But I'm just hurting more and more. How will I make another 2 months without my Daughter?

She's refusing to speak to me on Skype, which I totally understand. She does exactly the same thing to her Dad when she's here. But it still hurts a little bit when she shouts 'no' down the phone and runs off.

Feel like crying but need to be strong, if I start I might not be able to stop. It's self pity and it won't help. She's happy and that's what's important!

The good news are that my ex's new girlfriend G wrote me a message on Facebook. It made me feel great. I'm glad she did. I mean, it's not like I want us to forge a friendship or anything. I just want us to get along, for everyone's sake.

My ex and I are (finally) on good terms (we had a tiny bit of a falling out two summers ago due to him not treating his girlfriend or me fairly) but that's all in the past. And I wouldn't want her and I to not get along... And what I really like about her is that she's really trying hard to get to know my Daughter. Really hard.

She's bought a Swedish phrase book and is learning Swedish so that they will be able to communicate (which is good since my little daughter is refusing to speak English at the moment... hahah stubborn little mite...)

I like the fact that my Daughter has got an extended family. What I don't like is the fact that her extended family is living so far away and that this takes my Daughter away from me.

(I know... I'm selfish!)

I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her

Daughter

It's only one week and one day left until I'm flying my Daughter to Stockholm for her to go see her Dad. He's meeting us at the airport and is taking her to London where he lives. I'm trying not to think about it. I guess that's why I haven't mentioned it in my blog until now. It hurts too much and if I think about it I'll probably not take her to see him. She's scheduled to stay with him until the end of August.

The end of August... that's a very long time... Too long...

I know I'm being selfish, but I love her way too much to bear the thought of not having her with me all the time... she's my life! I want to cry when I think about it, so I just don't. Even now as I'm writing this it feels like I'm detaching myself from the situation, like I'm not writing about myself, but someone else.

I'm going to bury myself in my work. I've been in contact with the manager of my last job at the airport café and she wants me to come work extra there too, so as soon as I get my rota for my main job I'll call her up to see if she's got anything for me. Anything to stop thinking about missing my baby.

Worst part is that her Birthday is going to be while she's in London. I never thought I'd miss even one of her Birthdays, and that gives me chills down my spine thinking about it.

So, I'm going to do what any normal parent would do and block it out until the day arrives and then cry and whine to my friends about it. Go to work, go home, get drunk silly and flirt with lots of boys. Then cry some more and wish that August would just come already!

Mother Mother

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mums out there!

And not to forget Mother's-to-be and Gramps!!! Feel the love of your loved one's on a day like this.

I will, though we don't celebrate Mother's Day in Sweden today. My Daughter is born abroad where Mother's Day is on this day, so I'm getting two a year. Ha!

(Karma karma karma...)

Cherish today, for tomorrow might not come...

30 Things About Me You Didn't Know...

1.I've had nearly all colours of the rainbow in my hair. To name a few: blueberry, grey, black, fushia, green, lilac, red and orange.

2. When I was younger I wanted to be an actress, firefighter, ballerina, circusartist, singer and a "starchild" like Elizabeth in the TV show "V". And all at the same time... (But now I just want to be kissing Edward, nothing else - Twilighters out there, y'all know what I'm talking about!)

3. I went to Music school because there was "nothing else to do". (But happened to looooove it when I did.)

4. I'm terrified of spiders. Even the teeny tiny red ones that can't barely be seen.

5. I'm not scared of snakes though...

6. I always manage to stay up too late for my own good. Even though I try to get to bed on time. (Never happens though...)

7. I miss London. Alot.

8. I've always always wanted to go to Boston, MA. A childhood dream. Just because of the love of pickled cucumber that in Sweden is called "Bostongurka" (Boston cucumber).

9. My favourite English word is....thingie (not even a real word, but it comes in handy ALL the time, trust me.)

10. I still hate school....

11.With all the money in the world, I'd still go Primark aaaall the way. (Cheap and cheerful!)

12. I haven't seen the movie The Piano.

13. Even today I cry a bit when I hear my favourite song from childhood by Debbie Gibson. "...I get lost in your eyes...." *sniffle sniffle*

14.I bought my first mobile phone at the "tender" age of 23. (And I'm still finding it hard to get them to understand me!!)

15. I know the song "The wheels on the bus" off by heart, all due to my beautiful Daughter.

16. I'm dead scared of heights, but would climb anything to save the ones' I love!!

17. I've shot a Glock 9 once at a security training course, and LOVED IT!!!!!

18. As a little tomboy I made all my Barbie's into punk warriors with tattoos and piercings. We used to keep the Ken-dolls in an old birdcage used as a prison. Girrrl Power!!!!

19. My love for Mr Ol' Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra is eternal. My favourite song by him is "Summerwind". Still gives me chills when I listen to it.

20. I love poker. And I'm quite good at it.

21. I've lived in my flat for 3 years and still haven't managed to put up a proper shower curtain.

22. I'm a sucker for American TV shows. How I met your Mother, Grey's Anatomy, One Tree Hill (swoon), Greek (swooooon), Moonlight and Priviliged - you are my life!!!

23. I love to swim but hate to been seen in revealing bathing clothes, so it's a catch 22 thing.

24.I have this weird "fascination" for serial killers and I used to save any material I could (books, videos, newspaper clippings) to try to dive deep into their minds and to try to figure out what makes them tick. I still feel this urge to know, I guess that's why I've decided to join the police. (And why Criminal Minds and CSI is never missed on TV).

25. I love the smell of homemade wild strawberry squash and homemade cinnamon cake!! That's the smell of childhood and happy summers.

26. I've watched Twilight too many times for my own good.

27. And I've read the Twilight saga one time too many as well.... (I serioulsly think I need to get myself checked into Twilight Rehab...)

28. I secretly fancy Tom Selleck, and have done so since I was 10. (What?? Magnum's brilliant!)

29. When I was younger I used to sleep for 14 hours consistently, unless my Gran woke me up of course.... (If I didn't have my Daughter I'd still do it...)

30. My biggest fear when I was little was the two old men sitting on the balcony in The Muppet Show. My God, the grumpy dude on the right was freaking me out! I wouldn't watch it unless my Gran sat beside me. (What she never knew was that I was scared of the grumpy old man cos he looked like my Grandad...)

Tranquilize

I've just got a job as a saleswoman at an electrical gods shop (Congratulations me!!); Tv's, computers, mobile phones, washing machines etc... My God, I had no idea how hard sales people had to work before. I mean, I've worked in shops (clothes, cosmetics) but not on commission, where everything you manage to sell will get you to bring more food to the table. Hmm, am not too sure this job is for me, but with the economy being what it is, I can't be too fussy, so I'm giving it a go.

The people I work for are nice, and so is the staff. Well, except for this one guy who keeps rubbing everyone the wrong way, accusing us for this, that and the other, for absolutely no reason. (Freak!)

(I bet he'll last long. Not!)

Anyhooo.

The guy that I dated for a while, the Cool Guy, knows some of the staff, so we met up. He now wants to take me out to lunch tomorrow. I'm still not too sure about him... I don't know if there's any spark between us whatsoever, except the fact that I think he's a nice guy who probably won't hurt me and treat me like a wash cloth. I just can't feel IT when I see him. He's very intense and lovely, but the cons are building up again. Like; he works late nights, he's travelling with work - ALOT, he travels for fun - ALOT and he seems too into being single really, though he says he wants a relationship. Might the real reason for him coming after me be that all of his friends are in relationships and having babies and he's not? And am I really willing to stay in this godforsaken town forever because he's stuck here because of his work?

Am I willing to have yet another boyfriend who spends almost every night at work, coming home late or not at all ( since working in the trade he's in, just like my Daughters Dad, means late nights and alot of drinks....)? Will I be satisfied staying at home with my Daughter when he goes on holidays abroad with his mates (just like I had to sit through with my Daughters Dad)?

I'm not so sure...

Human

Being homeless suck monkey's bum...

Seriously, it does!

Ah, well. There are worse things, but wanted to let you know, just in case you were wondering...

An Attempt To Tip The Scales

Happy Easter all!

Have you checked that your Easter bunnies and Easter chickens are intact? Started painting eggs and decorating every inch of your home with brightly coloured feathers? - I haven't. I'm a total bitch when it comes to holidays, whether it's Christmas, Easter och freekin' Halloween. I'm just glad that one of my dearest friends saves my Daughter from my anti-Easter-antics every year! They go out Easter egg hunting, getting dressed up as witches, while I sit at home sulking at the fact that it's Easter...again.

It's getting closer now. I have to start packing our shit up. Moving sucks! Even tough we're just moving all our things into an adjoining room in our flat, it still sucks. And the most sucky part is that we have nowhere to live for the next two months, all because of a surprise water fountain in our kitchen. Not fair! I thought I never had to move around like a nomad again (the London years), unless some sweet prince came to save us. *hint hint*

Speaking of... this one date, that hasn't been much of a date, since we've never actually been on a date yet, has finally asked me out. Or rather; he's asked me to come stay at his house for the weekend. (Ohmigod!) He's the guy who's the father of two little girls, so he should be used to treating girls as princesses. *sigh* Finally!

I think he was thinking of coming to see me last weekend to watch a film, but I was so busy with school I couldn't make the time. We live in different towns, so it's a bit of a trek, but not too bad. We'll make a date some day, a real one, not just over the phone or IM...

I'm biding my time. Waiting for some Karma to come my way (I know, to wait doesn't get you anywhere, but I've been so busy lately with everything, that I feel I earn a break in looking for happiness. So, I'm just gonna sit down and take it easy and wait for a change... and re-read New Moon...)

Let Me Sign

Something a friend said today reminded me of how fragile life is. How we should take care of it and live it and not just go through it because we have to. It's so easy to forget that our lives are short and that everything can change in just a flash.

It's tragic really, that we don't take care of ourselves and of our loved ones better. How selfish we are. Cos we truly are. Think about it for a second. How often don't we shout at each other? Put each other down? Say things and do things, evil things, just cos we are selfish and hurt and sad.

How often do I tell my Daughter off for the silliest of things? How often do I see the hurt in her eyes and turn away cos I know that I'm the one who caused that hurt? How often do I wish I could take things back? Knowing it's too late....

Rash decisions. Rash thoughts put into words. I wish I would have known my friends' words then. I wish I would have known them sooner. I wish I would have known that without life in your heart you have no life at all.

I wish I would have thought about love and how important love really is. To love unconditionally, to show love when it's difficult, to show love when you really just want to shout and curse and let go.

I wish I would have thought about that yesterday as well....

Life Through An Hourglass

Not many things are clear to me today. My future seems uncertain for sure. I never applied to that University I wanted to go to. Not because I didn't want to, not because I was scared. But because it wasn't in me. I didn't feel it. That it was right. Does that even make any sense?

Now. It's not like I'm getting any younger (Hmmm, where's my vampireboyfriend when I need him?) And it's not like the chances are multiplying before my eyes... So what was I thinking?

That's the thing, I wasn't. I just had a bad day.

Another thing. I'm slipping my courses. And not by mistake. It's like I'm deciding to slip up, to fail deadlines and skip sending work in.

It's not too late yet. I still have time. But like with the years as we get older so is the future getting shorter and shorter. But I don't want my Daughter to wake up one day with a Mother who doesn't know who she is. Who doesn't have a future. Because that might mean that she might not have a future to look forward to as well...