Bad Influence...

A preview of what's to come.

A New Moon trailer...

OMG!!!

Stuck In The Middle With You

Do you remember your first love? That love that took your breath away. The love that ran warm chills down your spine just at the thought of him/her. The one that left you broken hearted and doomed to never trust, ever again.

Call me a sick and disturbed romantic, but haven't you ever wished that they would come chasing after you one day?

My first love was Rich. He was English and a few years older than me. I was 22 and utterly and irreversibly in love with him. I never thought our love would end.

As in many other love stories there is, of course a glitch. We were involved in this weird love triangle, where his friend was in love with me too. And Rich didn't want to hurt his friend. We were trying to let him get over his crush on me.

We'd meet after dark, planning our escape to warm countries. With our heads close together, we'd talk for hours on end how we would run away from it all. We even had our own song (what a cliché, right?). Stuck in the middle with you, spinning in my head, night after night with him beside me. The love of my life. Rich. The exiting and funny and romantic English boy who gave me his heart, and took it back in one excruciating beat...

He told me he loved me in a dark, seedy club; loud music ringing in my ears. And I laughed it off because I was scared. I couldn't believe him, I wouldn't believe him... But I do believe him now. We were in love, both of us, with each other. But love consumed us, not just the love for each other, but the love of a friend. The love we both felt for him.

His friend was adorable. And Rich had a girlfriend. But when Rich broke it off with his girlfriend (or rather, she broke it off with him. He'd known for a while that she was seeing someone else...) I'd stopped waiting. I thought he didn't really want me. So when his friend finally plucked up the courage to ask me out, I said yes.

I did love his friend for a while, but I was never truly in love with him. Not like Rich. Who broke my heart. Whose heart I broke.

One night the three of us went to a party, after Rich and I had not been speaking for months on end. My boyfriend, Rich's friend, wanted to go home early, and told me to stay, that Rich could take me home (how trusting his friend was of us). Rich asked me if I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to. Words will never be able to express how badly I wanted to stay with him. But, I couldn't. I wouldn't. I said no. I left the love of my life and left with someone I cared for, but not truly loved. But I couldn't be unfaithful. Because I knew what would have happened had I stayed. My blood was boiling for Rich. For his touch. His kiss. For him.

That was the last time we spoke...

I bumped into Rich two summers ago, when I visited London. He is gorgeous. Beautiful. He still takes my breath away. He still owns my heart. I just wish that he would chase after me. That he would understand that we were meant for each other.

I wish I could still be stuck in that crowded room with him, when he said he loved me. I wish I would have answered him. I wish he'd understood that I was scared. And that if he would tell me that today, I'd answer: I love you too....

Izzie

Don't fall for someone unless they're willing to catch you...

Let Me Sign

Something a friend said today reminded me of how fragile life is. How we should take care of it and live it and not just go through it because we have to. It's so easy to forget that our lives are short and that everything can change in just a flash.

It's tragic really, that we don't take care of ourselves and of our loved ones better. How selfish we are. Cos we truly are. Think about it for a second. How often don't we shout at each other? Put each other down? Say things and do things, evil things, just cos we are selfish and hurt and sad.

How often do I tell my Daughter off for the silliest of things? How often do I see the hurt in her eyes and turn away cos I know that I'm the one who caused that hurt? How often do I wish I could take things back? Knowing it's too late....

Rash decisions. Rash thoughts put into words. I wish I would have known my friends' words then. I wish I would have known them sooner. I wish I would have known that without life in your heart you have no life at all.

I wish I would have thought about love and how important love really is. To love unconditionally, to show love when it's difficult, to show love when you really just want to shout and curse and let go.

I wish I would have thought about that yesterday as well....

Lifetime Piling Up

The first day of a new life with all that comes along with it, isn't it just amazing? (I've always just wanted to say that hahaha). No, seriously. Just another day. Just another stupid day containing the same mistakes and the same outcomes as every day. Nothing has changed from yesterday (now, why did I think it would've?) but I still feel content with my life.

Broken teeth, flooded rooms...it doesn't really matter...

It's a bit unnerving, the wait for something better. It feels futile...Am I allowed to call it that, I don't know... So, I'm waiting for something better to come around. But I've always been told I shouldn't wait, I should go out and do. But every time I've tried that, something bad happens. It's my Karma. It's gone. I actually owe the Karma dude lots and lots of Karma, cos I'm thinking evil thoughts, hacking evil plans and doing evil things to and about people I don't like. I think I need to stop doing that. Like, right now. Hrm, I should shouldn't I? Not just sit and wait. Not just think and moan... It's like an epiphany. Just like that. Right now.


I'm just gonna go do some...stuff first.