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Stuck In The Middle With You

Do you remember your first love? That love that took your breath away. The love that ran warm chills down your spine just at the thought of him/her. The one that left you broken hearted and doomed to never trust, ever again.

Call me a sick and disturbed romantic, but haven't you ever wished that they would come chasing after you one day?

My first love was Rich. He was English and a few years older than me. I was 22 and utterly and irreversibly in love with him. I never thought our love would end.

As in many other love stories there is, of course a glitch. We were involved in this weird love triangle, where his friend was in love with me too. And Rich didn't want to hurt his friend. We were trying to let him get over his crush on me.

We'd meet after dark, planning our escape to warm countries. With our heads close together, we'd talk for hours on end how we would run away from it all. We even had our own song (what a cliché, right?). Stuck in the middle with you, spinning in my head, night after night with him beside me. The love of my life. Rich. The exiting and funny and romantic English boy who gave me his heart, and took it back in one excruciating beat...

He told me he loved me in a dark, seedy club; loud music ringing in my ears. And I laughed it off because I was scared. I couldn't believe him, I wouldn't believe him... But I do believe him now. We were in love, both of us, with each other. But love consumed us, not just the love for each other, but the love of a friend. The love we both felt for him.

His friend was adorable. And Rich had a girlfriend. But when Rich broke it off with his girlfriend (or rather, she broke it off with him. He'd known for a while that she was seeing someone else...) I'd stopped waiting. I thought he didn't really want me. So when his friend finally plucked up the courage to ask me out, I said yes.

I did love his friend for a while, but I was never truly in love with him. Not like Rich. Who broke my heart. Whose heart I broke.

One night the three of us went to a party, after Rich and I had not been speaking for months on end. My boyfriend, Rich's friend, wanted to go home early, and told me to stay, that Rich could take me home (how trusting his friend was of us). Rich asked me if I wanted to stay with him. I wanted to. Words will never be able to express how badly I wanted to stay with him. But, I couldn't. I wouldn't. I said no. I left the love of my life and left with someone I cared for, but not truly loved. But I couldn't be unfaithful. Because I knew what would have happened had I stayed. My blood was boiling for Rich. For his touch. His kiss. For him.

That was the last time we spoke...

I bumped into Rich two summers ago, when I visited London. He is gorgeous. Beautiful. He still takes my breath away. He still owns my heart. I just wish that he would chase after me. That he would understand that we were meant for each other.

I wish I could still be stuck in that crowded room with him, when he said he loved me. I wish I would have answered him. I wish he'd understood that I was scared. And that if he would tell me that today, I'd answer: I love you too....

Morning Glory

Another day, another story. Another lifetime ago it feels like. When I was young and beautiful and life never seemed to end... That was yesterday, this is today, and life, it seems is over!

Have you ever felt like that? Like there is no life to live any longer?

(I know, it sounds really melodramatic. But that's how I feel today... And I think I'm allowed to wallow in my own misery every once in a while. We all are!)

I miss my home, I miss my bed. I miss my TV (even though it doesn't even belong to me, but to an ex FWB (Friend With Benefit) that currently is in Oz living it up while peeing his territory in my flat by leaving his flat screen TV and his computer), I miss my own kitchen... But most of all, I miss it being quiet...

Espesially while hung over or tired...

So, today (when I am hung over and tired) I wish to be overly dramatic and sad and lonely... just because I can choose to be...

Mother Mother

Happy Mother's Day to all you Mums out there!

And not to forget Mother's-to-be and Gramps!!! Feel the love of your loved one's on a day like this.

I will, though we don't celebrate Mother's Day in Sweden today. My Daughter is born abroad where Mother's Day is on this day, so I'm getting two a year. Ha!

(Karma karma karma...)

Cherish today, for tomorrow might not come...

The Show

Finally, tomorrow is the day of the DVD release and it should be in my mailbox.

Yes, I'm talking about Twilight. All added extras. All benefits. All Edward Cullen. I'm having some friends over (well, since I'm homeless it's actually some friends having me over) to drool a little bit over the perfect handsomeness of the swoonable vampire who will always stay a rolemodel for any BF's to come.

(A very hard spot to fill from now on I might add. Very. Hard. Indeed.)

So, hurry up Wednesday night in front of the telly. Please. I beg you. I need to escape reality, if just for a little while. I need the rescue bit right now (I have sooo watched Pride and Prejudice too many nights in a row, it's really getting to me, all the romance and drama... My God!) and I need to pretend I too have a knight in shining armour waiting for me somewhere out there.

(Preferably in the shape of a pale and mesmerising vampire!)

Aaaaaw....

Human

Being homeless suck monkey's bum...

Seriously, it does!

Ah, well. There are worse things, but wanted to let you know, just in case you were wondering...

An Attempt To Tip The Scales

Happy Easter all!

Have you checked that your Easter bunnies and Easter chickens are intact? Started painting eggs and decorating every inch of your home with brightly coloured feathers? - I haven't. I'm a total bitch when it comes to holidays, whether it's Christmas, Easter och freekin' Halloween. I'm just glad that one of my dearest friends saves my Daughter from my anti-Easter-antics every year! They go out Easter egg hunting, getting dressed up as witches, while I sit at home sulking at the fact that it's Easter...again.

It's getting closer now. I have to start packing our shit up. Moving sucks! Even tough we're just moving all our things into an adjoining room in our flat, it still sucks. And the most sucky part is that we have nowhere to live for the next two months, all because of a surprise water fountain in our kitchen. Not fair! I thought I never had to move around like a nomad again (the London years), unless some sweet prince came to save us. *hint hint*

Speaking of... this one date, that hasn't been much of a date, since we've never actually been on a date yet, has finally asked me out. Or rather; he's asked me to come stay at his house for the weekend. (Ohmigod!) He's the guy who's the father of two little girls, so he should be used to treating girls as princesses. *sigh* Finally!

I think he was thinking of coming to see me last weekend to watch a film, but I was so busy with school I couldn't make the time. We live in different towns, so it's a bit of a trek, but not too bad. We'll make a date some day, a real one, not just over the phone or IM...

I'm biding my time. Waiting for some Karma to come my way (I know, to wait doesn't get you anywhere, but I've been so busy lately with everything, that I feel I earn a break in looking for happiness. So, I'm just gonna sit down and take it easy and wait for a change... and re-read New Moon...)

Memory

A very very very old friend added me to his FB today. I haven't heard from him in, what, 14 years maybe? I looked for him a few years back but couldn't find him. So I gave up. And now he's back in my life.

We live hundreds and hundreds of miles from each other, we've never met in person, but he's always had a special place in my heart. We used to speak on the phone and I fell in love with his voice. We spoke about flying to see each other, which of course never happened. I was 13 when we first got in contact, through our schools. He was a year older.

I've thought about him once in a while. Maybe less and less through the years. But he's always been there, somewhere in the back of my mind. And now he's here. In proximity. Not in a physical sense, but still...he's back.

Lifetime Piling Up

The first day of a new life with all that comes along with it, isn't it just amazing? (I've always just wanted to say that hahaha). No, seriously. Just another day. Just another stupid day containing the same mistakes and the same outcomes as every day. Nothing has changed from yesterday (now, why did I think it would've?) but I still feel content with my life.

Broken teeth, flooded rooms...it doesn't really matter...

It's a bit unnerving, the wait for something better. It feels futile...Am I allowed to call it that, I don't know... So, I'm waiting for something better to come around. But I've always been told I shouldn't wait, I should go out and do. But every time I've tried that, something bad happens. It's my Karma. It's gone. I actually owe the Karma dude lots and lots of Karma, cos I'm thinking evil thoughts, hacking evil plans and doing evil things to and about people I don't like. I think I need to stop doing that. Like, right now. Hrm, I should shouldn't I? Not just sit and wait. Not just think and moan... It's like an epiphany. Just like that. Right now.


I'm just gonna go do some...stuff first.