God Bless The Child

My Daughter is finally coming home!!! Yey, only 4 days left. I've missed her soooo much, I haven't even been able to speak about it in my blog. It's been hurting like hell, but it's over soon.

She's properly English now, it's so funny. I'm not joking when I say that she sounds more English than her Dad. (And I'm secretly pleased she's taken after his new girlfriend G, her accent is way better than my Daughter's Dad.)

She's been angry with me lots of times; refused to speak to me, not wanting to look into to the web cam, telling G that she loves her in front of me to hurt me (even though that's backfired completely, since I'm so thrilled to see my Daughter happy with G. It would have broken my heart though if my Daughter hadn't liked G, thinking it was a nightmare staying there).

But I know she's been acting up because she thinks I've abandoned her. But it's been so good for all of them to have her with them in London. It's been good for me too; after being the egotistical Mum who's taken a child away from the father.

I've kind of experienced the pain of not having her with me at all times. I've experienced how her Dad must feel when she doesn't want to speak to him (which used to happen alot, only cos she was hurt by him not being closer). I've experienced the inhumane wait to see her again. The agonising days that go by so slowly - just like watching paint dry, but a hundred times worse.

And now the wait is finally over. My baby is coming home. My baby who is not a baby any longer, but a five-year-old girl that has grown and matured; who's learned another language, who's a very proud big sister and who's gained the mutual respect and love from her Dad's new girlfriend. Important steps.

She's a girl of two loving families - now, how rich is she!?!?!

Woman's Work

The fight against breast cancer is going strong everywhere! Everywhere!!

-Good! Fight fight fight!!! Never give up.

There might be tears. There might be pain. But we will never give up the right to live full and happy lives together with our loved ones.

Hide & Seek

Not only is my sister still fighting breast cancer... Not only do I still think about my friend C's Mum who lost her battle against this evil spawn of Satan last year...

One of my best friends is now starting her own fight against breast cancer...

Cancer is devious. Cancer is horrid and petrifying and mortal.

My Mum died of cancer when I was only a baby. My cousin nearly lost her life to it after ending up in a coma. I know friends who have lost loved ones to it.

I'm sitting here, in my dark room thinking of my friend E. Her little daughter, less than two years old who might, or might not, grow up with her Mum. (I get an acidic taste in my mouth just thinking the words.) It hurts. There is no other option than life for my friend. There isn't. It would hurt too much losing her, so I won't think the thought. The words will not reach my tongue.

She will live! She is life.

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

They say everything gets better with time. But I'm just hurting more and more. How will I make another 2 months without my Daughter?

She's refusing to speak to me on Skype, which I totally understand. She does exactly the same thing to her Dad when she's here. But it still hurts a little bit when she shouts 'no' down the phone and runs off.

Feel like crying but need to be strong, if I start I might not be able to stop. It's self pity and it won't help. She's happy and that's what's important!

The good news are that my ex's new girlfriend G wrote me a message on Facebook. It made me feel great. I'm glad she did. I mean, it's not like I want us to forge a friendship or anything. I just want us to get along, for everyone's sake.

My ex and I are (finally) on good terms (we had a tiny bit of a falling out two summers ago due to him not treating his girlfriend or me fairly) but that's all in the past. And I wouldn't want her and I to not get along... And what I really like about her is that she's really trying hard to get to know my Daughter. Really hard.

She's bought a Swedish phrase book and is learning Swedish so that they will be able to communicate (which is good since my little daughter is refusing to speak English at the moment... hahah stubborn little mite...)

I like the fact that my Daughter has got an extended family. What I don't like is the fact that her extended family is living so far away and that this takes my Daughter away from me.

(I know... I'm selfish!)

I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her

Daughter

It's only one week and one day left until I'm flying my Daughter to Stockholm for her to go see her Dad. He's meeting us at the airport and is taking her to London where he lives. I'm trying not to think about it. I guess that's why I haven't mentioned it in my blog until now. It hurts too much and if I think about it I'll probably not take her to see him. She's scheduled to stay with him until the end of August.

The end of August... that's a very long time... Too long...

I know I'm being selfish, but I love her way too much to bear the thought of not having her with me all the time... she's my life! I want to cry when I think about it, so I just don't. Even now as I'm writing this it feels like I'm detaching myself from the situation, like I'm not writing about myself, but someone else.

I'm going to bury myself in my work. I've been in contact with the manager of my last job at the airport café and she wants me to come work extra there too, so as soon as I get my rota for my main job I'll call her up to see if she's got anything for me. Anything to stop thinking about missing my baby.

Worst part is that her Birthday is going to be while she's in London. I never thought I'd miss even one of her Birthdays, and that gives me chills down my spine thinking about it.

So, I'm going to do what any normal parent would do and block it out until the day arrives and then cry and whine to my friends about it. Go to work, go home, get drunk silly and flirt with lots of boys. Then cry some more and wish that August would just come already!

Bad Influence...

A preview of what's to come.

A New Moon trailer...

OMG!!!

Pictures Of You

Here it is...

The official New Moon poster.

(Swoooooon)

My friend Cecilia and I are soooo going to the London premiere of NM. We. So. Are.

Can't wait. I hope it does do the book justice. I mean, how are they going to manage to get Edward in there without it looking a bit tacky?? He's only in Bella's imagination through out the whole book...

Ah well, as long as I'm getting myself some Edward-eye-candy, I don't really care.

(Well, I do. A little bit.)

Still, can't wait. Can't wait. Can't wait.

(Like the mature 30-something that I am!)

Morning Glory

Another day, another story. Another lifetime ago it feels like. When I was young and beautiful and life never seemed to end... That was yesterday, this is today, and life, it seems is over!

Have you ever felt like that? Like there is no life to live any longer?

(I know, it sounds really melodramatic. But that's how I feel today... And I think I'm allowed to wallow in my own misery every once in a while. We all are!)

I miss my home, I miss my bed. I miss my TV (even though it doesn't even belong to me, but to an ex FWB (Friend With Benefit) that currently is in Oz living it up while peeing his territory in my flat by leaving his flat screen TV and his computer), I miss my own kitchen... But most of all, I miss it being quiet...

Espesially while hung over or tired...

So, today (when I am hung over and tired) I wish to be overly dramatic and sad and lonely... just because I can choose to be...

The Show

Finally, tomorrow is the day of the DVD release and it should be in my mailbox.

Yes, I'm talking about Twilight. All added extras. All benefits. All Edward Cullen. I'm having some friends over (well, since I'm homeless it's actually some friends having me over) to drool a little bit over the perfect handsomeness of the swoonable vampire who will always stay a rolemodel for any BF's to come.

(A very hard spot to fill from now on I might add. Very. Hard. Indeed.)

So, hurry up Wednesday night in front of the telly. Please. I beg you. I need to escape reality, if just for a little while. I need the rescue bit right now (I have sooo watched Pride and Prejudice too many nights in a row, it's really getting to me, all the romance and drama... My God!) and I need to pretend I too have a knight in shining armour waiting for me somewhere out there.

(Preferably in the shape of a pale and mesmerising vampire!)

Aaaaaw....

30 Things About Me You Didn't Know...

1.I've had nearly all colours of the rainbow in my hair. To name a few: blueberry, grey, black, fushia, green, lilac, red and orange.

2. When I was younger I wanted to be an actress, firefighter, ballerina, circusartist, singer and a "starchild" like Elizabeth in the TV show "V". And all at the same time... (But now I just want to be kissing Edward, nothing else - Twilighters out there, y'all know what I'm talking about!)

3. I went to Music school because there was "nothing else to do". (But happened to looooove it when I did.)

4. I'm terrified of spiders. Even the teeny tiny red ones that can't barely be seen.

5. I'm not scared of snakes though...

6. I always manage to stay up too late for my own good. Even though I try to get to bed on time. (Never happens though...)

7. I miss London. Alot.

8. I've always always wanted to go to Boston, MA. A childhood dream. Just because of the love of pickled cucumber that in Sweden is called "Bostongurka" (Boston cucumber).

9. My favourite English word is....thingie (not even a real word, but it comes in handy ALL the time, trust me.)

10. I still hate school....

11.With all the money in the world, I'd still go Primark aaaall the way. (Cheap and cheerful!)

12. I haven't seen the movie The Piano.

13. Even today I cry a bit when I hear my favourite song from childhood by Debbie Gibson. "...I get lost in your eyes...." *sniffle sniffle*

14.I bought my first mobile phone at the "tender" age of 23. (And I'm still finding it hard to get them to understand me!!)

15. I know the song "The wheels on the bus" off by heart, all due to my beautiful Daughter.

16. I'm dead scared of heights, but would climb anything to save the ones' I love!!

17. I've shot a Glock 9 once at a security training course, and LOVED IT!!!!!

18. As a little tomboy I made all my Barbie's into punk warriors with tattoos and piercings. We used to keep the Ken-dolls in an old birdcage used as a prison. Girrrl Power!!!!

19. My love for Mr Ol' Blue Eyes, Frank Sinatra is eternal. My favourite song by him is "Summerwind". Still gives me chills when I listen to it.

20. I love poker. And I'm quite good at it.

21. I've lived in my flat for 3 years and still haven't managed to put up a proper shower curtain.

22. I'm a sucker for American TV shows. How I met your Mother, Grey's Anatomy, One Tree Hill (swoon), Greek (swooooon), Moonlight and Priviliged - you are my life!!!

23. I love to swim but hate to been seen in revealing bathing clothes, so it's a catch 22 thing.

24.I have this weird "fascination" for serial killers and I used to save any material I could (books, videos, newspaper clippings) to try to dive deep into their minds and to try to figure out what makes them tick. I still feel this urge to know, I guess that's why I've decided to join the police. (And why Criminal Minds and CSI is never missed on TV).

25. I love the smell of homemade wild strawberry squash and homemade cinnamon cake!! That's the smell of childhood and happy summers.

26. I've watched Twilight too many times for my own good.

27. And I've read the Twilight saga one time too many as well.... (I serioulsly think I need to get myself checked into Twilight Rehab...)

28. I secretly fancy Tom Selleck, and have done so since I was 10. (What?? Magnum's brilliant!)

29. When I was younger I used to sleep for 14 hours consistently, unless my Gran woke me up of course.... (If I didn't have my Daughter I'd still do it...)

30. My biggest fear when I was little was the two old men sitting on the balcony in The Muppet Show. My God, the grumpy dude on the right was freaking me out! I wouldn't watch it unless my Gran sat beside me. (What she never knew was that I was scared of the grumpy old man cos he looked like my Grandad...)

Tranquilize

I've just got a job as a saleswoman at an electrical gods shop (Congratulations me!!); Tv's, computers, mobile phones, washing machines etc... My God, I had no idea how hard sales people had to work before. I mean, I've worked in shops (clothes, cosmetics) but not on commission, where everything you manage to sell will get you to bring more food to the table. Hmm, am not too sure this job is for me, but with the economy being what it is, I can't be too fussy, so I'm giving it a go.

The people I work for are nice, and so is the staff. Well, except for this one guy who keeps rubbing everyone the wrong way, accusing us for this, that and the other, for absolutely no reason. (Freak!)

(I bet he'll last long. Not!)

Anyhooo.

The guy that I dated for a while, the Cool Guy, knows some of the staff, so we met up. He now wants to take me out to lunch tomorrow. I'm still not too sure about him... I don't know if there's any spark between us whatsoever, except the fact that I think he's a nice guy who probably won't hurt me and treat me like a wash cloth. I just can't feel IT when I see him. He's very intense and lovely, but the cons are building up again. Like; he works late nights, he's travelling with work - ALOT, he travels for fun - ALOT and he seems too into being single really, though he says he wants a relationship. Might the real reason for him coming after me be that all of his friends are in relationships and having babies and he's not? And am I really willing to stay in this godforsaken town forever because he's stuck here because of his work?

Am I willing to have yet another boyfriend who spends almost every night at work, coming home late or not at all ( since working in the trade he's in, just like my Daughters Dad, means late nights and alot of drinks....)? Will I be satisfied staying at home with my Daughter when he goes on holidays abroad with his mates (just like I had to sit through with my Daughters Dad)?

I'm not so sure...

Human

Being homeless suck monkey's bum...

Seriously, it does!

Ah, well. There are worse things, but wanted to let you know, just in case you were wondering...

An Attempt To Tip The Scales

Happy Easter all!

Have you checked that your Easter bunnies and Easter chickens are intact? Started painting eggs and decorating every inch of your home with brightly coloured feathers? - I haven't. I'm a total bitch when it comes to holidays, whether it's Christmas, Easter och freekin' Halloween. I'm just glad that one of my dearest friends saves my Daughter from my anti-Easter-antics every year! They go out Easter egg hunting, getting dressed up as witches, while I sit at home sulking at the fact that it's Easter...again.

It's getting closer now. I have to start packing our shit up. Moving sucks! Even tough we're just moving all our things into an adjoining room in our flat, it still sucks. And the most sucky part is that we have nowhere to live for the next two months, all because of a surprise water fountain in our kitchen. Not fair! I thought I never had to move around like a nomad again (the London years), unless some sweet prince came to save us. *hint hint*

Speaking of... this one date, that hasn't been much of a date, since we've never actually been on a date yet, has finally asked me out. Or rather; he's asked me to come stay at his house for the weekend. (Ohmigod!) He's the guy who's the father of two little girls, so he should be used to treating girls as princesses. *sigh* Finally!

I think he was thinking of coming to see me last weekend to watch a film, but I was so busy with school I couldn't make the time. We live in different towns, so it's a bit of a trek, but not too bad. We'll make a date some day, a real one, not just over the phone or IM...

I'm biding my time. Waiting for some Karma to come my way (I know, to wait doesn't get you anywhere, but I've been so busy lately with everything, that I feel I earn a break in looking for happiness. So, I'm just gonna sit down and take it easy and wait for a change... and re-read New Moon...)

Songs To Live & Die By

A friend told me that he thinks that one of the best ways to get to know someone is through their taste in music. So, since I haven't told anyone about me and what I'm about, I'll give you 20 songs that is always heard in my flat (or just my head). So, here goes...

• Muse - Supermassive Black Hole

A must-have song in any girls collection. A love song that rough as shit! Love it to bits, listen to it every single day, at least once or I would not make it through the day!!!

• Jars Of Clay - Closer

Sooooo cute I want to grab it and smooch it and eat it up! Seriously!! In one big bite. Mmmmm yummy!

• MCR- I Don't Love You

I never thought I'd like MCR but this song has my name written all over it. It's my song. It's written for me. I'm sure of it. No no. I am. Really.

• The Wannadies - Oh Yes (It's A Mess) & Friends
  

Swedish group. Love love love them. They're from the North just like me. Oh Yes (It's A Mess) is one of the best post-breakup songs ever written... & Friends...well, the lyrics says it all really... Jealousy at it's best!

• The Killers - Mr Brightside

This song is actually my ring signal on my mobile. I love it! Can't get enough of it. I barely answer my phone any more. (Sorry!!) Killer video as well!

• Kate Nash - Nicest Thing & We Get On

As with The Wannadies it was impossible to choose just one song. I could've chosen all of her lyrical diamonds!

• Arctic Monkeys - Perhaps Vampires Is A Bit Strong But...

As I love Vampires (hint hint Edward Cullen) this song is a given.

• The Beatles - We Can Work It Out

Golden oldie with great lyrics. A breakup song filled with optimism (just listen to the melody...)

• Robert Pattinson - Let Me Sign

Have you heard that boy's voice?!?! Beautiful and haunting.... (& I'm not only talking about his voice...)

• Sia - Soon We'll Be Found

This girl can surely sing, and write songs. And touch my heart in more ways than one. I've always wished I could write like this. Beautiful. True. Nothing left...to say.

• The Cure - Boys Don't Cry

This song reminds me that boys do indeed cry too. (At least when no one else is around.) And FYI; it's Nick's ring signal in Nick & Norahs Infinite Playlist (Great film! Watchable!)

• Kate Bush - This Woman's Work

Knocks me off my feet every time. Her fragile voice that somehow seem able to carry triple its weight. The lyrics are outstanding and makes my eyes fill up every time... It will never seize to amaze me. It will never die. This song is forever...

• Amy Winehouse - Back To Black

"He left no time to regret, kept his dick wet. With his same, old safe bet. Me & my head high & my tears dry. Get on without my guy." - Says it all, really....

• Pink - So What

Whoaw! She amazes me every time she comes out with a new one. Loving the fact that she brings real life into her songs. I hurt with her and realise that I am a Rockstar too!!! Hurt, angry and raw!!!

• The Smiths - Girlfriend In A Coma

A song that reminds me of my life in London and of a friend who's no longer with us. Grant, you twat! I miss you!!!

• Panic! At The Disco - London Beckoned Songs About Money Written By Machines

Another song that reminds me of London and of having fun. A "feel good" song in so many ways.

• Lykke Li - I'm Good I'm Gone

A very cute Swedish singer with a special sound and a voice like an angel. Love her love her!

• Radiohead - Creep

Another oldie that I used to say I wanted to be sung at my funeral (I had this weird thing where I thought I'd die by the age of 27.) Well, 27 has come and gone. I'm still here & so is the song as my sweet number 20.

That's it folks!

Life Through An Hourglass

Not many things are clear to me today. My future seems uncertain for sure. I never applied to that University I wanted to go to. Not because I didn't want to, not because I was scared. But because it wasn't in me. I didn't feel it. That it was right. Does that even make any sense?

Now. It's not like I'm getting any younger (Hmmm, where's my vampireboyfriend when I need him?) And it's not like the chances are multiplying before my eyes... So what was I thinking?

That's the thing, I wasn't. I just had a bad day.

Another thing. I'm slipping my courses. And not by mistake. It's like I'm deciding to slip up, to fail deadlines and skip sending work in.

It's not too late yet. I still have time. But like with the years as we get older so is the future getting shorter and shorter. But I don't want my Daughter to wake up one day with a Mother who doesn't know who she is. Who doesn't have a future. Because that might mean that she might not have a future to look forward to as well...