God Bless The Child

My Daughter is finally coming home!!! Yey, only 4 days left. I've missed her soooo much, I haven't even been able to speak about it in my blog. It's been hurting like hell, but it's over soon.

She's properly English now, it's so funny. I'm not joking when I say that she sounds more English than her Dad. (And I'm secretly pleased she's taken after his new girlfriend G, her accent is way better than my Daughter's Dad.)

She's been angry with me lots of times; refused to speak to me, not wanting to look into to the web cam, telling G that she loves her in front of me to hurt me (even though that's backfired completely, since I'm so thrilled to see my Daughter happy with G. It would have broken my heart though if my Daughter hadn't liked G, thinking it was a nightmare staying there).

But I know she's been acting up because she thinks I've abandoned her. But it's been so good for all of them to have her with them in London. It's been good for me too; after being the egotistical Mum who's taken a child away from the father.

I've kind of experienced the pain of not having her with me at all times. I've experienced how her Dad must feel when she doesn't want to speak to him (which used to happen alot, only cos she was hurt by him not being closer). I've experienced the inhumane wait to see her again. The agonising days that go by so slowly - just like watching paint dry, but a hundred times worse.

And now the wait is finally over. My baby is coming home. My baby who is not a baby any longer, but a five-year-old girl that has grown and matured; who's learned another language, who's a very proud big sister and who's gained the mutual respect and love from her Dad's new girlfriend. Important steps.

She's a girl of two loving families - now, how rich is she!?!?!

Woman's Work

The fight against breast cancer is going strong everywhere! Everywhere!!

-Good! Fight fight fight!!! Never give up.

There might be tears. There might be pain. But we will never give up the right to live full and happy lives together with our loved ones.

...a dedication to my friend...love you...

(I know that Weird is spelled Weird..I just "borrowed" that sign from FB and it wasn't spelt properly... anyways... it's the thought that counts, right?)

Hide & Seek

Not only is my sister still fighting breast cancer... Not only do I still think about my friend C's Mum who lost her battle against this evil spawn of Satan last year...

One of my best friends is now starting her own fight against breast cancer...

Cancer is devious. Cancer is horrid and petrifying and mortal.

My Mum died of cancer when I was only a baby. My cousin nearly lost her life to it after ending up in a coma. I know friends who have lost loved ones to it.

I'm sitting here, in my dark room thinking of my friend E. Her little daughter, less than two years old who might, or might not, grow up with her Mum. (I get an acidic taste in my mouth just thinking the words.) It hurts. There is no other option than life for my friend. There isn't. It would hurt too much losing her, so I won't think the thought. The words will not reach my tongue.

She will live! She is life.

Bring The Pain

Today has been one of the hardest days...

I spoke to my Daughter on Skype and she started crying uncontrollably; wanting me, wanting to go home. Needing me...

I know she's happy with her Dad. I know she loves it there. But my heart was shattered today by the sound of her quiet sobs wishing for her mummy. And this once I wasn't be able to make her wish come true.

And that hurts. So much...

I Don't Want To Miss A Thing

They say everything gets better with time. But I'm just hurting more and more. How will I make another 2 months without my Daughter?

She's refusing to speak to me on Skype, which I totally understand. She does exactly the same thing to her Dad when she's here. But it still hurts a little bit when she shouts 'no' down the phone and runs off.

Feel like crying but need to be strong, if I start I might not be able to stop. It's self pity and it won't help. She's happy and that's what's important!

The good news are that my ex's new girlfriend G wrote me a message on Facebook. It made me feel great. I'm glad she did. I mean, it's not like I want us to forge a friendship or anything. I just want us to get along, for everyone's sake.

My ex and I are (finally) on good terms (we had a tiny bit of a falling out two summers ago due to him not treating his girlfriend or me fairly) but that's all in the past. And I wouldn't want her and I to not get along... And what I really like about her is that she's really trying hard to get to know my Daughter. Really hard.

She's bought a Swedish phrase book and is learning Swedish so that they will be able to communicate (which is good since my little daughter is refusing to speak English at the moment... hahah stubborn little mite...)

I like the fact that my Daughter has got an extended family. What I don't like is the fact that her extended family is living so far away and that this takes my Daughter away from me.

(I know... I'm selfish!)

I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her I miss her

Daughter

It's only one week and one day left until I'm flying my Daughter to Stockholm for her to go see her Dad. He's meeting us at the airport and is taking her to London where he lives. I'm trying not to think about it. I guess that's why I haven't mentioned it in my blog until now. It hurts too much and if I think about it I'll probably not take her to see him. She's scheduled to stay with him until the end of August.

The end of August... that's a very long time... Too long...

I know I'm being selfish, but I love her way too much to bear the thought of not having her with me all the time... she's my life! I want to cry when I think about it, so I just don't. Even now as I'm writing this it feels like I'm detaching myself from the situation, like I'm not writing about myself, but someone else.

I'm going to bury myself in my work. I've been in contact with the manager of my last job at the airport café and she wants me to come work extra there too, so as soon as I get my rota for my main job I'll call her up to see if she's got anything for me. Anything to stop thinking about missing my baby.

Worst part is that her Birthday is going to be while she's in London. I never thought I'd miss even one of her Birthdays, and that gives me chills down my spine thinking about it.

So, I'm going to do what any normal parent would do and block it out until the day arrives and then cry and whine to my friends about it. Go to work, go home, get drunk silly and flirt with lots of boys. Then cry some more and wish that August would just come already!